Vent Session

*Looks around and waves* Hey yall, been a while!

 

I promise this will be the last wedding related post for a while. Cuz dammit, I’m tired of it too!

 

My mother is slowly driving me insane. I know I’ve always spoken about her like she can do no wrong, but she’s got me ready to go into hiding. I can understand how proud she is of her kids, most any mother is, and there’s no reason for her to be any different. However, she’s bordering on the edge of…I don’t even know. Her and my older brother are not close, and she doesn’t really keep in touch with the other (step)siblings, except through my stepdaddy. That leaves me as her crutch so to speak. Weddings are her most favoritest thing in the world, especially after planning her wedding to my stepdaddy 9 years ago. She still cracks out on the wedding shows on TV, and is not above buying bridal magazines just for the hell of it. So as you can imagine, once she found out about my wedding, she started foaming at the mouth like rabid animal (not literally, but you get what I’m saying).

 

She was already calling me three to four times a day just to chat. I had to put her in check about that and let her know that I need space to live as an adult. I love talking to her, but the 3x a day checkup isn’t necessary. Once or even twice is enough. Once a week would be more my steez, but some things I guess you do to make a mama happy. Anyhoo, as soon as D asked her permission to marry me (he was gentlemanly enough to follow my family’s tradition), she started in on the 4+ times a day phone calls.

 

This is the general flow of at least 2 of the daily conversations:

 

Mom: “How’s the wedding planning going?”

Me: “Same as it was 2 hours ago. Mom, I’m at work so I don’t really think about weddings while I’m here”

Mom: “I’m at work too, and I was just looking on the internet for mother of the bride dresses. Maybe me and D’s mom can go shopping for dresses together”

Me: “The wedding is in December, it’s May right now, and you have plenty of time. Why don’t you ask his mom to go shopping next time you come to visit?”

Mom: “*squeals* I can’t waaaait!!!”

 

I wouldn’t mind so much if it was just that. But now she’s telling everyone about my daggone business. Mind you most of the people she’s talking to haven’t seen me since I was about 18. Again I wouldn’t care so much, but she’s given everybody and their mama my phone number and those people keep calling me and asking about whatever my mom told them about.

 

Person I haven’t seen since 1987: “Ohmygoodnesssssssss! You’re getting married!!”

Me: “That’s the word on the street *laughs*”

Person: “So I heard you had diarrhea a week ago. Is it better now? Did your guy rub your stomach?”

Me: “The hell?”

Person: “It sounds funny to hear you curse. I forget sometimes that you’re a grown woman now. Your mom told me you weren’t feeling well and she gave me your number”

 

Ohmydamn yall. That was a real conversation I had. And everyday I get the report from mom dukes about who she told about the wedding. The mailman? The mechanic? I know she’s excited so that doesn’t bother me so much but damn!

 

And last week, when I was sending out our save-the-date cards, she told me who I should and shouldn’t send them to. The save-the-dates obviously indicate that you will get a formal invitation, so I can’t just be sending them out all willy nilly because that would mean I’d have to send inviations to people I don’t necessarily want to invite. Anyway, she was going through her address book tombout, “You don’t have to send her a card, you can just send an announcement, etc”. Ummmmmmmm, I know I don’t have to send her/him/them a card, cuz we won’t be inviting them. She’s wanting this wedding to be run just like hers, and because she has some experience from planning hers in 1999, she swears up and down that her way is the best way. She almost hit the floor when we told her that the wedding will be slightly non-traditional.

 

Mom: *big azz gasp for air* “What do you mean you’re doing it your way!? That’s not how it goes! Remember at MY wedding, we did it this way?”

Me: “Yes, I remember your wedding. I was the maid of honor remember? But this is our wedding. We’re going to be just as married if we do it your way, our way, or the way the wedding books tell us to do it. Please relax, we’ll make sure it’s beautiful”

Mom: “But you don’t know what you’re doing. I did this 9 years ago, I have experience”

Me: *looks at the phone with the WTF face* “Mom. Relax, I promise it will be fine. We got this”

 

She and her girlfriends are also convinced something is wrong with me because I don’t eat, shit, and breathe wedding. I don’t always want to talk about it. Frankly, we are in the hurry up and wait phase since everything is basically planned (we had to do it early because it’s during Christmas party season, so we needed to ensure things were available). Since I don’t have to do a whole lot of planning work for the next 2 months or so, I’m going to enjoy my summer, and they can’t stand it.

 

Them: “Don’t you want to discuss all kinds of inane wedding things all day every day?”

Me: “Umm, no”

Them: *squawk amongst themselves* “Ohmygoodness. Are you okay?”

 

It’s going to be a loooong 7 months.

 

 

Oh, for those of you who asked, here’s our site: http://www.dwightandnatasha.com (it’s not all the way done just yet)