IM Bandit

My mom and godmother are trying to learn to use the computer and internet a little better, now that they’ve both decided to go the “I’m retired dammit!” route. So they started taking classes at one of their local community center places. I guess last night they were learning all about the wonders of IM. Around 11PM, I got this crazy looking IM from a screen name I didn’t recognize.

 

Person: aosdfija;oidsnfowe

Me: Who is this?

Person: OOOOOOHHH so you saw it?

Me: Who is this? What did I see?

Person: It’s your godmother. You better watch out, you won’t be able to stop me now. I’m chatting girl!

Me: That’s great. I’m glad you’re learning. I told you it wasn’t hard

Person: Let me call your mother. But wait, when I press the enter key the message shows up on your screen, but when I click send it does the same thing. I’m confused.

Me: That’s how it works. You can do either, it’s up to you.

Person: Well I want to do both. I clicked send this time.

 

*ring ring ring* My phone started ringing

 

Me: Hello?

Godmother: Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllll I’m getting down! I’m IMing now. Y’all won’t be able to stop meee!

Me: I’m so happy you’re getting comfortable with it. That’s great.

*Loud IM sound*

Godmother: You see that message? You can just respond on the phone to me.

Me: That’s kind of backward Godmama. If you send me a message online, I’ll respond online. Using IM makes it so you don’t have to use the phone.

*Loud IM sound* *Reading IM from her that says “That makes sense. I’ll get off the phone now”* *Dialtone in my ear*

 

I wished my godmother goodnight over IM and was getting ready for bed when I got a text from my mother…

 

U got the ims from ur godmomma? I’m gonna call u in a minute

 

And it started all over again with my mom…

 

*ring ring ring*

 

Me: Hello?

Mom: Girrrrrrrrrrllll We’re getting it together huh?…

 

 

For another half hour or so she was bragging about her skills and how I need to send her stuff to search on Goo.gle. They’re so cute and funny learning new things. They’re almost like kids seeing things for the first time. This is going to be an interesting retirement for them and me.

Tuesday Very Randoms…

Conjunction junction what’s your function…?? I’ve had the song in my head for at least 4 days now. I was in a meeting on Friday and it seemed like one of the presenters had forgotten how to combine phrases so none of her statements made sense.  I guess she was nervous and was just reading her bullet points. Poor thing.

 

My office is on the basement level of the building so almost every day I sit down I think of one of the early episodes of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air when Will was trapped with his date (who had just popped off her fake nails) in the basement singing “I’m stuck in a basement/sitting on a tricycle/girl gettin’ on my nerves/Goin’ out of my mind/I thought she was fine/Don’t know if her body is hers” It’s stupid but gives me some humor in the morning

 

I went to lunch at a diner recently and saw “chicken fried steak” on the menu. Can someone please explain to me why chicken fried would be different from just plain fried or even shrimp fried?

 

Why isn’t green tea green? But when you go to Pan.era Bread and get their iced green tea it is? Why are their tea leaves greener than mine?

 

Why is the internet so much more addictive at work than it is at home? It’s the same internet, but when I’m at work things keep popping up that I need to search for.

 

My ex is trying like hell to impress me with his new car and sort-of fancy job title. Makes me want to puke. Money can’t buy class, but it can magnify your ignorance. I’ll take my not-as-wealthy, but classy and gracious guy over him any day.

 

Having a jacked up shoulder really isn’t cute. I can’t get my correct sleep angle and my upper arm is crazy swollen still so one side of me looks like I’ve been hitting the up ‘roids dealer.

 

The gas price went down the day AFTER I filled my tank up. I wonder if I could get a refund. I’ve seen people do it with clothes.

 

Flip flops are not office wear and do not look cute with a professional outfit. I need the girls in my building to figure that out. How do you get to the point where you think a nice An.n Tay.lor suit with some flimsy azz O.ld Na.vy flip flops looks right?

 

I wish I could round up all the lil tween/teenage girls I see in the mall and tell them that showing their behinds isn’t cute. I know they’re trying to show off for the boys, but some of the outfits I’ve run across would make a stripper blush. My partner in crime, L, had to pull one lil fast azz girl to the side and let her know that her jean skirt was so short that her stuff was almost visible. She suggested some leggings underneath. Were we that bad when we were that age?

 

I can tell I made the right decision to become a nurse…I can’t wait till I can wear some comfy scrubs and shoes to work. I’ll only miss dressing up a little bit, but that’s what the weekend is for.

 

142 days until I’m in Jamaica. *sigh*

Price of Admission

My wedding is in about 140 days and have been so busy between planning, work, surgery, and life in general that I haven’t really had a minute to sit down with myself. I’ve finally gotten the chance to do that, and realized I had to admit some stuff to myself.

 

Number one, I’m scared out of my ever loving mind. I’m so happy to have found D and he is like the Gabb.ana to my Do.lce, but I’ve never really seen a healthy marriage in the families closest to me so I feel like I’m diving into deep water with only one swimming lesson. My mother and father’s marriage was a disaster of epic proportions. Sure my mom and step dad are married now, but something is just off. She’s unhappy with herself and that carries over into their marriage. He won’t leave her, but she’s not the person he married and it’s not his fault. My grandparents’ marriage was the closest thing to healthy I’ve ever seen, but they’re not with us anymore so I can’t ask for their advice. D’s parents…well, they’re married but are on different planets—hell, different solar systems really. We’ve done the premarital counseling, and done a lot of talking to our friends that are happily married and to some of our much older friends (the married 50+ years variety). That’s eased my fears, but I’m scared to death of becoming that angry black woman who hates the institution of marriage. But we’re praying about it, and we are determined not to let our families and our childhoods determine how well our marriage will work. I will not go to divorce court with D…I did it as a child, and saw how shitty it really is. I don’t want to go through it again and don’t want to put my (non-existent) children through that.

 

Number two, I’ve never really followed my own heart until now. My mom likes to brag about how she raised me to be a strong woman, but actually she did the opposite. I’ve lived for a long time for her approval and have made a lot of choices just to make her happy. Now that D and I are going about having the wedding that WE want, she’s a little uncomfortable with that and for the first time ever I really don’t care. Believe it or not, that’s a scary thing for me. I’ve never just done things my way before, and while I like it, I sometimes don’t know how to react to her disapproval. *sigh* I’m a grown ass woman and just getting to this point.

 

Number three, I feel like an island most days. Just completely disconnected. A lot of my friends and associates seem like they have “it”. They can just light up a room with their personalities and people just flock to them. Me, sure people come to me sometimes, but I’ve never felt like I’ve had “it” or even how to find “it”. I feel cut off from people and like an afterthought, even if I’m sitting right next to them. Like I have a plexiglass box around me, and people can see me I can see them, but somehow we stay separate. I’ve never felt a part of anything, even when I was in groups giving my all. Never wanted to be one of the “cool kids” so to speak, but at least feel like I’m one of the crowd and included. I struggle with that, but try not to let that show.

 

Number four, I don’t let myself feel emotional pain often enough because when I feel it, I need to vent it. And I know no one will listen. It hurts that my mom is more concerned about her dress than about my wedding or my marriage. But I can’t tell her that. And I’m not allowed to feel that or anything really. So I do my damndest to act like I’m okay all the time. But I feel tore up inside, and the only way for me to vent that is on a computer screen. And typing it is sometimes harder than saying it.

 

It’s hard to admit those things to myself. I’ve tried so hard to stuff those feelings back down into the depths of me so actually giving them voice might be helpful. Now that I’ve admitted those things to myself, and now to the world I guess, I feel like I can pick up the pieces, solve the issues, and go on with my life. Still a work in progress, but admitting everything to myself is the best way to move toward something better I guess. Sigh. All this on a Friday when I’m supposed to be enjoying myself. Well, I guess I can now…Happy Friday

Return of the ?

I’m back again. Like a lot of other bloggers have been doing this summer, I keep pulling disappearing acts. There’s been so much going on and I haven’t had the chance to update or read other people’s blogs.

 

I got my shoulder fixed and lemme tell you, whatever the hell they gave me for pain was amazing. I’ve never slept so damn good in my life, drool spots and all *I have no shame*. I’d cheat on D with sleep if I could.

 

Speaking of D, I’m trying to get used to his new schedule. Now he works from 3PM-2AM-ish so I really only see him on his days off. I hated his previous graveyard shift schedule, but this irritates me. But that gives me a chance to miss him and quite a bit of alone time, so in a sense it’s a blessing.

 

Me and the girls decided to go to the Har.ley dealership and sign up for motorcycle lessons. As soon as the doctor says it’s okay I’ll be learning to ride. It looks like so much fun, plus a motorcycle uses less gas than my car. Ya girl’s gotta make some changes in this jacked up economy. Tryin to hold on to my $$ tight! Now if only I can find a helmet that will fit on my big azz head…

 

I’m trying to plan an impromptu trip to Vegas in September for me & D and two other couples that we hangout with a lot. But we don’t know where to stay. Anybody have any favorites they can recommend?

 

Mom dukes called me up the other day and was like, “I’m officially retired. I called AA.RP and got my extra insurance and all that. When is my party?” Ummm….okay, she was just saying how she went on an interview for a possible job change. When is the party? And she was serious too. I guess she’s entitled to that though. Can’t wait till I can just one day say fugg it I’m done and put in my retirement paperwork. If I tried that mess now, my 401K would laugh at me then slap me back into my office.

 

Anyway, that’s the haps in my world. I hope this was the last hiatus for a while.

Mosquitoes

Dear Mosquitoes,

 

Can’t we all just get along? I know you think my feet, arms, and ankles are an ideal place to do your dirty work but I assure you, they’re not. See, during the summer I like being outside. I know you like being outside also—hell, that’s your home. But seriously, we gotta work something out. I followed the common sense advice and wore jeans while I was at the cookout on Saturday, but it was hot as Hades so I had to change into some shorts. And the other days at the other cookouts it was too hot to be outside in long pants, so capris or shorts it was. I sprayed the bug repellent. On the can it says, “keeps mosquitoes off”, etc etc. But noooooo, yall greedy azzes ate right through that stuff and had a field day on my skin. Did yall get high on the fumes of the bug spray and forget that it’s supposed to repel you? Or do you like the taste of Deep Woods Of.f, Sk.in So Sof.t, and the other bug stuff that was sprayed around the perimeter of the deck to keep you away? I know you say I could have kept my azz inside, but it’s summertime and I’m not going to stay cooped up in the house. And I did go inside after nightfall because yall were making it difficult to have a conversation.

 

But seriously, why me? All summer long every year, you come after me. My life isn’t some low-budget azz horror movie, so there’s no need to swarm after me like you’re on film. There are a few million other people living in this state, why not mess with them? I can understand a bite here and a bite there, but this past weekend you made me look like I have measles and I’m STILL scratching and itching like a crackhead. I’m angry. I’m itchy. I went to bed with dots of calamine lotion all over my feet and ankles. That isn’t cute.

 

So for the rest of the summer, can we call a truce? Pleeeeease?

 

Itchily yours,

Tasha

Weekend Roundup

I’m back at work today kinda upset like a kid who has to go back to school after a great vacation. I had such a great mini-vacay. Didn’t go anywhere special, but spent some time with a bunch of our good friends. It’s sad because we either work together or live close by, but we don’t really get the chance to do anything all together. We cooked out and got to drankin and dominoes and spades. I swear black folks cannot get together without a deck of cards somewhere close by. And you find out some of the damndest things about people when they get good and drunk. The storytelling gets very umm….exaggerated. Loves it.

 

I also got to spend some time with D. With our opposite work schedules it’s hard to know if we’re coming or going sometimes. It was really nice to be able to go out and not discuss wedding plans and vendors and centerpieces. We vowed to leave that mess alone for the weekend. I think the wedding planning is a test of how strong your relationship really is. If you can make it through that with your relationship mostly intact, you should be alright. I’m only half joking. But we’re excited, we’re going to Vegas hopefully in September just to get some fun time in away from the urrrrea and away from our family and friends before we get too tied down with flowers and cake and the like. I think that’s going to be our little get away spot…we both love it there, so we’re hoping to make a long weekend of it every so often (yay for travel discounts through work!).

 

Yesterday was my father’s birthday. That was the only bad thing about my weekend. I haven’t heard from him since just after my birthday in March when he called to tell me that he had $.16 in his pocket and needed me to send him money again (mind you he makes more than me in retirement and disability income…and he lives in Florida so he doesn’t pay taxes on that disability income). He didn’t call for my birthday, didn’t send a card. I sent him a Save-The-Date card for the wedding, no response. Sent a few emails, no response. For Father’s Day, I sent an email—no response. I got a few joke forwards from him in my email box back in April, but no response to all I’ve sent him. So I said fugg it, I’mma send him a text message for his birthday cuz he can’t put in the effort to respond and I don’t want to waste a stamp on a birthday card. So I send the message “Happy Birthday Dad” and got messages back questioning who I am “Tasha who?” Turns out that’s no longer his cellphone. I don’t have anymore contact info for him, so I give up. At this point I don’t know if he’s dead or alive, but I’m done. The phone works both ways. He can use it when he “needs money” but can’t use it just to say hi. Nope, no time for that. I was feeling some kind of way about it for a little while, but I know better things and better people are in my life now and are in my future.

 

Hope yall had a good weekend!

In the dark

just venting…

I’m sad. I’m not sure what we’re teaching our youngins, but I know for damn sure what we’re not teaching them. I keep reading about the girls who supposedly decided to get pregnant together and about se.x education programs across this country. I’ve also been talking to some of my nieces, nephews, and some of their friends (they come to me with everything…I’m the cool aunt, so they’re not afraid to ask me the hard questions) and I see that there’s a big gap in their learning.

 

For example, one of my niece’s friends (she’s 21) kept being told that she should use a condom. That was really the only thing she knew about sex. She knew that they provide protection from some STDs, but didn’t know how/why they protect from pregnancy. I had to explain what semen is, where it comes from, how it creates a pregnancy, etc etc. Essentially explaining her body and the male body to her. She was straight.up.clueless. She knew you could get pregnant from sex, but didn’t know why and what caused it. That makes me sad. She was saying how a lot of her friends had the same question because they didn’t get taught at home or at school. All they heard was “wrap it up”. I’m more than glad that she uses that advice, but I’m worried that not enough kids/teenagers/grown ass adults don’t know enough about their own bodies to keep them from getting in some crazy situations. I’m more worried that there’s a generation of over-sexed, under-informed people walking around.

 

For some people it’s hard to talk about, but the end result—ignorance—can have repercussions that are even harder to talk about. That’s why part of me is so excited to become a nurse; hopefully I can use that career as a way to educate someone.

 

*sigh*