Back at Work

I’m back to work today after spending yesterday in the ER…again. I spent all of Sunday with a terrible migraine and Monday woke up with the same thing plus dizziness. Worried that I’d had another TIA, D took me to the ER. They didn’t draw blood, didn’t do any scans, just gave me some pain meds and anti-nausea meds in an IV (the IV was placed badly in my hand too…*sigh*). They said they didn’t know what was wrong and sent me home. My doctor is still out of the country, so I’m going all of this alone. But I’m feeling a little better today, and a little bit more like myself.  I woke up today not dwelling on how pathetic I am, but instead took stock of all the good things around me. That felt good. Thank you everyone for all of your prayers and emails, they’ve really helped. I’m feeling a little helpless not knowing why I’m going through these problems with my head, but I know I’ve still got to do what I can to take care of me. One day at a time is how I’m trying to deal with this, and so far so good I guess.

I’m Hurting and Broken Inside

Hey, I’m alive. I still have to catch up with a post about the funnery of last weekend and some other miscellany I’ve been meaning to get to, but here I am already at Friday once again. But I have some other things on my mind, and they’re getting in the way of my life. Maybe putting pen to paper (or cursor to screen in this case) will help…

So when I passed out on the 8^th of this month, I had a TIA–basically a precursor to a mini-stroke. My brain pretty much hit its own reset button and knocked my ass down for a little while. I’m still dealing with the after effects of it all—still a little bit unsteady, sort of shaky motor skills when I get tired, having a harder time focusing, and I still have a slight migraine (currently I’m on day 29 with this migraine…almost a month straight with a non stop headache that no meds can fix, even the rx migraine meds). The doctors say that the TIA and migraines aren’t necessarily related, but both are caused by stress.

And stress, or anxiety to phrase it better has been sitting on me like the world sat on Atlas’ shoulders. And it’s brewing inside of me and it’s got me paralyzed. I need to break free somehow. Even with attempting to put on a front that I’m okay, people keep saying I look BEAT. Even people I’ve never met are asking if I’m okay when they see me. I guess my face doesn’t hide anything. Smiling or not, the mess just shows up on my face. I don’t normally put all my shit out on front street like this, but I’ve got to let it out to someone other than D (God bless his soul for being such a good listener) and the walls. For some reason, I feel like I can’t go to them with my issues. I really feel like I can’t go to ANYONE, save for D. And he’s not a therapist, so I can’t just let it out on him. No one wants to hear where I’m coming from or what’s really going on with me. They just want me to fix their issues or be the comic relief. I barely have it within me right now to shower, let alone be funny. So this is why I’m feeling lost right now (this might get long, sorry)…

My mom retired a short while ago, or so I thought. Really she just stopped working and had no plan. She’s a nurse, but injuries made it hard for her to do clinical work, so she got out of that game and was trying to get in one of the health insurance companies as a nurse case manager—it’s a great way for nurses to still do what they love but without the hustle of the hospital or doctors offices. Anyway, she didn’t find anything right away so she took a temp job at the insurance place. After the contract was up, she tried to get hired permanently there, but no dice. She sent out maybe 4 more resumes, but no dice again. She went on numerous interviews, but no dice. She didn’t seem to realize that her making self-deprecating jokes and smelling like a chimney (she smokes a LOT—like almost 2 packs a day) isn’t a good look in an interview. She does the self-deprecating thing to be funny (even though she’s a DAMN good nurse), not realizing that the interview is the time to sell yourself. So she gave up and stopped working for good. That’s how she retired. She.just.stopped. Mind you she has no savings, and never started a 401K because she didn’t understand it. My stepdad is retired and gets a pension and disability, but it’s really not much. She figured she’d be okay because she had pensions from her former hospital job. Well it turned out to be less per month than what I make in a week, and less than what she was used to making in about 3 days as a nurse. So she’s not okay. Now I have her applying for public assistance and D and I are covering a lot of her bills. My brother (my only whole blood sibling) has a fucked up relationship with her and really wants nothing to do with her, so that leaves me to take care of her. She’s only 59, but dementia is creeping in, so I have to take power of attorney and begin to collect the rent from her apartment (she has a 2 family house that she rents out a portion of), and pay her mortgage with the proceeds and put the remainder in the bank because she won’t enforce the rules of her lease. Her last tenant walked all over her and paid when he felt like it, and I can’t let her go out like that again. It’s hard for me to see her so desperate and so depraved. I’m crying now writing this, I can’t take care of her by myself from 350 miles away and I can’t go back to living there when I’m doing my best to make a life here. I need my brother’s help, but him and I are estranged also—he lives 20 minutes from me and I speak to him once a year—so he may give a word of advice then wash his hands of the situation. My stepdad is 74, so he can only do so much because he’s partially disabled and plus he’s just getting older. I worry about them, and wonder if they eat every day. She’ll find out on Monday about help from social services, until then I’m doing what I can.

On the inside, I just feel like I’m not enough. And I’m ashamed of me. I’ve retreated into myself and now I find it hard to make the effort to go meet new people, deal with the ones I already know, keep commitments, etc etc. BK, that’s part of the reason I haven’t been to your classes (outside of being on the injured list). I’m ashamed of what I look like, how I talk, how I dress, just everything…my self-confidence has eroded to the point of almost nothingness. And it’s no one’s fault. I’m rapidly losing myself. D assures me daily that he loves me, and all of that, but I just don’t feel like enough—not for him, not for myself. I’m literally paralyzed by my fear and feelings of inadequacy. I want to go shopping, but feel like I don’t deserve it because I’ll just look bad in it anyway. I’m hiding from invites from my friends to go out because I know I’ll just be the fat friend tagging along. I feel like people only feel sorry for me because they know I’ve had a rough go at it health wise this year, not like they actually want to be in my company. I watch people having fun and don’t know how to even get back in that game again. I’m always feeling unpretty, and say fuck makeup, why bother when I look like this. I’m so unhappy. I’ve always fought with this problem, but in the last 2 or 3 months—since July or so, the sound of negativity is deafening. I just want to feel like someone other than D gives a damn. I know my family doesn’t, I feel like my friends don’t—I secretly envy the fun and confidence they have, and just sometimes wish I didn’t have to live like this. I want to know what a real friend feels like, not just ones who use me cuz I’m knowledgeable or who are needy and want me to rebuild them until they don’t need me anymore. I struggle to give off the air that I’m okay. But I’m hurting inside and I’m raw.

I want myself back. I want to get this weight off my shoulders. I want to enjoy my life again, cuz I’ve only got this one try at life. I’ve got sooo much goodness around me; blessed with a beautiful place to live, nice cars, a great great great man….but I can’t enjoy it cuz I feel like I don’t deserve it, like I’m not enough. And I feel like I’m raising my mother. It’s too much for me. If I could get myself back, I could be a blessing to the people who need me the most. I don’t know what to do. I’m so anxious about everything, I’m scared about having had a TIA. I’m only 25…I shouldn’t be dealing with this.

It feels better letting out there 100%, so maybe this is a start. God help me.

On Pins and Needles

I get my results from my MRI tomorrow, so I’m on pins and needles until then. Friday I’m off to see mom dukes and nem. I’ll finally find out what this secret she’s been holding since March is. I got lots on my mind, but I don’t feel like typing it all out right now…it’s just about bedtime. So I’ll be back Monday. Have a good weekend!

Take Care of Yourself

I’m the first one to tell people they need to take better care of themselves. I get on my family, my friends, D, his family, and his friends. I’m the one they come to when something’s hurting or they feel like trash–I guess the acceptance to nursing school is the same thing as being a nurse, lol. But something I don’t do enough of is take care of myself. I’m like Superwoman in training–trying to take care of every damn body else, but not doing anything to make sure I’m functioning at my best. I’ve been sick and injured a lot this year, and haven’t really done anything about it. Just take the meds and move on. With all of the stress of planning a wedding, helping my mom and D’s mom get their retirement money right, the nursing school application process, and dealing with a job that makes me want to pull the twists out of my head one by one I forgot that I can’t do anything if I’m in bad shape.  My body finally told on me and made me screech to a halt.

I’ve had serious pain and pressure in my head for about 12 days and was ignoring it. I was taking decongestants, thinking it was just another sinus infection (since I got moved to the new location for work, I’ve had 6 sinus infections–NOT normal, but just par for the course I assumed). but wasn’t getting any relief. D and everyone around me kept telling me to go to the doctor, but my hard headed self refused because I just knew that I’d be out of work for a day and I have so much in my inbox to do. Heh. On Monday, I went to work with my head still hurting. At about 11 AM, I leaned over to write something and I got soo disoriented and lightheaded and passed.the.fugg.out. My office is in a basement (let’s not talk about that right now), so no one knew I was on the ground. I got it together and called my receptionist who got the boss to take me to the ER (thank God I work on a hospital campus).

6 hours later, I was on my way home with an unknown diagnosis. I had what may have been a seizure, but the CT scans found nothing. My bloodwork was fine. So now I’m laid up at home with an appointment to see a neurologist. Can’t get to that work in my inbox because I can’t walk more than about 100 feet without getting unsteady. This is the longest I’ve been able to be at a computer to write this post. My primary doctor, D, my mom, and every one else that has some type of access to me has taken the time to remind me that if I had just been taking better care of myself from jump, this wouldn’t have happened.

I’m not trying to stand up on a soap box (cuz I can’t keep my balance right now anyway lol), but just reminding you to take better care of you. Even Superwoman has to rest. Hopefully I’ll be back to work tomorrow, but nothing there is so important that I can’t take the time to take care of me. I can’t take care of anyone until I take care of me.

Thanks D for staying up 36 hours to make sure I was okay.

Friday Flashback

I haven’t done this in a while, plus this song’s been running through my head since last week sometime. Here’s Morris Day and the Time…”Jungle Love”. Have a good weekend!

Not My Kid…

Sara.h Pal.in, girl this has been a rough week for you huh? You go from mayor of Bumblefuck, USA to governor of AK to VP nom in just a few short years. And I know that transition must have been rough. I mean with all the hooplah about your family life and all. Bristo.l’s pregnant and you’ve got to be a good mom and help her plan the wedding while trying to become vice president of these here United States. And that situation with Baby Tri.g (by the way, what the fu*k does Tri.g mean? Do you like pulling Triggers? Were you good at Trigonometry/Geometry in high school? Did you just put some radom azz letters together?) I’m sure you think it’s down right rude for people to insinuate that you’d cover your own daughter’s pregnancy and take her out of school to hide it. Awww, those meanies! Well, when the questions get to be too much, play this song for ‘em:

Maybe McC.ain can make that your campaign song. Go get ‘em girl! *rolls eyes and walks out of the room*

Product Review

I’m forever trying new things, so I figured cuz I love yall I’d share my opinions. First up, Reduced Fat Whea.t Th.ins in the Country French Onion flavor.

When I saw these I got a little bit happy because I love Whea.t Thin.s and will tear up some French Onion dip, so putting the two together would be like a little slice of food heaven. After dinner, I got all ready for some serious couch bum action with a handful of these and some colby jack cheese. My favorite ‘fat snack’ is WT’s with cheese; yummy stuff. I didn’t expect to be able to eat these with the cheese, but tried it anyway–cracker plan and cracker with cheese.

Verdict: B-

First off, these things are thick as hell. A WT is supposed to be thin, that’s why the word is in the name. I felt like I was eating wheat blocks. The onion taste is a little overpowering–make sure you have some breath mints ready if you plan on interacting with people after you eat these. While the onion taste is pretty strong, they do taste good. You just can’t eat a whole lot of them. After about 5 of them, I had to stop. The taste became too much of a good thing. I did try one with a little bit of cheese, and that was a mis-friggin-take. You can’t mix such a strong tasting cracker with that kind of cheese successfully. Outright yuckiness (is that even a word?). So I gave up on them and ate grapes for dessert instead. I might keep them or I might pass them onto my hungry co worker who will eat anything, even if it’s past the expiration date. Not great, not horrible, won’t be buying them again.

You’re Kidding Me Right?

I was running errands on Saturday and ran through the golden arches at McD’s to get some lunch. The lady in line ahead of me had me do a double take. When I walked in, I saw her from the side and didn’t pay much attention, then she turned around to speak to the cashier and I saw this mess:

(I promise I’m not trying to take Durty’s job with this pic) I’m not mad because she’s a big girl at McD’s…nope, cuz then I’d be mad at myself. I’m mad at that tank top and the “matching” purple bra underneath. I know it was like 85 degrees that day, so I can understand wanting to go for a sleeveless ensemble. But seriously, WTF. I guess the purple bra was supposed to blend in so no one would notice it under her tank top. Maybe I should start with giving her props for at least wearing a bra.

When she turned around, she had that “I’m fly with a capital F, bitches” look. And she gave the “I will give you the business” look to the two other dudes at the counter. She knows she is S-E-S-S-Y *two snaps and a sip of kool-aid*. Seriously though, is the desperation to be sexy that serious for some women? You no longer care if your underthings are showing? For real, I’m not saying you gotta walk around in turtlenecks and dresses down to your ankles, but at least learn what is flattering on you. Big girls can wear *the right* tank tops and look cute and sexy, but that ish looks like she was boxing with Grimace (the character from the old McDonald’s Happy Meal Boxes) and lost:

We gotta do better. Ladies, do you hear me? We’ve GOT to do better.

Happy Labor Day

Is this the kind of holiday that you say that for? Happy Labor Day…that sounds kinda strange. So lemme rephrase that– “Happy Gov’t Sponsored Day Off”. Not much going on other than

Come 9PM, I’ll be back to cussin’ about going to work tomorrow. Right now though, I’mma go see about a few cookouts and get on some proper BBQ.