Thankful, Joyful

I know Thanksgiving is tomorrow, but I really have a lot to be thankful for today. I had my biopsy follow up appointment this morning and everything came back negative. I’m still cancer free, and everything looks completely fine. That’s the best news I’ve gotten in a while. So while I’ll be thankful for the large quantities of -itis inducing food tomorrow, I’ll also be thankful for the fact that God was looking out for me this time. D and I also spoke to the doctor about trying to conceive late next year and she doesn’t think the issues I’ve had will present a problem, so we got the ball rolling with scheduling preconception counseling and a plan to get healthier.  I couldn’t have asked for a better reminder to stop and count my blessings. I also couldn’t have asked for a better indication that it’s time to throw the weight of the past off of my shoulders and live the life ahead of me. Happy Thanksgiving just a little bit early. *hugs* all around (blog)fam.

Dear Mama

I started writing everything I wish I could say to my parents, and I figured I’d post it here because I know I’ll never be able to say it the way I want to. I know if I were to say it all, none of it would be received properly. But I need to get it out, so here it is. Please keep the hateful comments to yourself; this is hard for me to put out there.

Mom- Let it go. Seriously, let it go. You got divorced 22 years ago. Why are you still bitter? Maybe you haven’t gotten it yet, but talking shit about my father to me does nothing but make you look hateful. I was there; I know what he did to us and to me and I know firsthand what his life’s shortcomings are. Sure I was very young when you split but I heard the arguments and I remember very well how hostile that environment was. But guess what, I forgave and have continued to live my life. It’s about time you do the same.

When you talk mess about my father to me, how do you think that makes me feel? Did you forget that I’m his flesh and blood too? So when you talk about him, you’re indirectly talking bad about me. You get mad when I celebrate my Jamaican heritage with his family and my friends, but you knew he was fresh off the boat when you got with him. Sorry, I’m Jamaican. You made it that way. And as horrible as you make him sound, what does that say about you? You and you alone were the one to make the decision to marry him and lay down with him to create your children.

All that bitterness has aged you physically. I love you dearly, but all that anger is really unbecoming on you and it spreads throughout all of your other relationships. You can’t even relish the love of your husband because you’re too busy making him pay for what my father did. This man would walk to the end of the earth for you, but all you can do is act like nothing he does is good enough. What standard are you holding him to? If it’s perfection, you’d better stop and ask yourself what standard he holds you to. All he asks of you is that you love him back, but all you do is complain. Hell, if he’s home you complain; if he stays out too long you complain. Let your goddamned baggage go and be happy. Most women would twist themselves inside out to have what you have.

When you said, “You’re not going to let your father give you away are you? Why not have your step father do it. It would look better to me.”, it hurt like hell. The fact that you couldn’t understand why I was angry hurt even more.

I love you more than air and I appreciate all of the sacrifices you made for me, but something has got to give. I’m getting tired of seeing you bitter. I want to see you radiate happiness and I want to see your heart healed. But you can’t do that until you forgive–him and yourself. Pray about it.

Dad- This whole “I’m a victim” act has got to stop. You’re a grown ass man and need to take responsibility for the mess you’ve gotten yourself into. You sound like a whiny bitch when you say things like, “If your mother hadn’t been suffering with ‘project mentality’, then I would have been able to do big things and we could have been rich”. Seriously? Is she the only reason why you’re not on top of the Forbes list? If that’s the case, why didn’t you blow up after you left her hanging with young kids?

It was you who decided to get married a bunch of times and have a bunch of kids, not me. I’m sorry your current marriage isn’t working, but you even said before you married her that shit wasn’t right between the two of you. Nobody forced your ass down the aisle again. Nobody forced you to impregnate her. Nobody forced you to fuck your finances up. But you want it to be your other kids’ responsibility to take care of your mistakes. It’s UGLY that you started asking me for money before I was even old enough to have a job. It’s UGLY that you kept throwing “well your little half brother needs diapers” in my face as a reason for me to give you money. Again, nobody told you to impregnate that woman you married. That’s your responsibility. Man up. You told my older brother to man up and take care of me when you left our mother, so why the hell can’t you take your own advice and man up and take care of your seed? I honestly wanted to cuss you out when you told me that you won’t leave your current wife even though you basically hate her because you don’t want your young son to grow up in a broken home. Ummmm, hello sir. Did you forget about the kids you left behind in 1986? A broken home was okay for us but not okay for this other kid? Really, I’m not bitter. I’m just being real.

I’m glad you’ve decided to try and get your shit together and attempt to have a relationship with me. I really appreciate you understanding that you can’t make up for lost time. I even give you much respect for having the balls to apologize to me for ALL the shit you did to me and put me through over the years. However when you said you weren’t the best father to me because you were going through some shit made me want to black out. Don’t you think my mother was going through some shit raising us alone? Hell yeah she was, but she didn’t have the option to shirk her responsibility. And what exactly do you think I’ve been doing for the last 25 years? You guessed it—going through some shit. Without you. Even though I needed my dad more than anything. But don’t worry, my step-father was a good pinch hitter.

Both of you- Look, I realize you did the best you could. I’m not mad at that. What I’m mad at is the fact that you refuse to take any kind of responsibility for how we turned out. We ended up completely fucked up and stunted socially and emotionally. I’m in therapy now and the rest of us need therapy because of you. Both of you acted like children when we needed you to be adults. There is no reason why we should have had to raise grown ass people when it should have been the other way around. I resent having to be an adult with a steely calm and resolve by the age of 6. I resent that I’m trying now to figure out how to live and how to make sense of the emotions and twisted ass feelings I have about both of you. I’m angry as hell that my wedding has brought out the worst in both of you. GROW UP. Can you please just act civil toward each other for at least one day? Stop hating each other and love the fact that the children that you created are doing their best to live respectable lives.

I love you both even though I hate what you put us through. I pray for you every day to find some type of peace and some type of joy. I will always be here for you and will never turn my back on you, but you need to work on healing yourselves.

Have You Done It?

I found this at Safa’s spot. Bold everything that you have done and leave results in the comment box or post it at your spot.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse (I think it was a solar eclipse, does that count?)
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors…Going to see some in Jamaica during the honeymoon
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted ( charcoal) – Damn tourist trap in Paris
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (I’m still the reigning cookie sales champ for the area *collar pop*)
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy – My Pound Puppy…now sits under my nightstand
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible or Quran
86. Visited the White House…does outside count???
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

How about you?

I’m here

I know it’s been a minute but I’ve been working on wedding stuff like it’s another job. I knew things would get hectic in the last few weeks, but I really didn’t give the small stuff enough credit. I guess things like making final payments and scheduling cake deliveries and choosing readings really aren’t small things, but whatever. Tenacious…girl, everyone has been working on that one nerve I have left just like you said they would. At this point, if I never look at another florist, cake cutting set, dyeable shoe, or fake flower girl rose petal, I’d be fine. I’ve gotten tired of vendors and nosy people alike always deferring to me when it comes to asking questions about this whole to-do even though D knows as much about it as I do and has put equal amounts of effort into it. It’s sad that people automatically assume that the bride is running the show. I’m the farthest thing from the controlling bridezilla-type that I’m expected to be. The both of us are working on it, and we’re taking things in stride. Hell, D had better put some effort in this ish cuz I wouldn’t be going through all of these changes if it weren’t for him anyway. It wouldn’t be right for him to propose to me and then I run around like a chicken with my head cut off while he sits back with a Heineken watching the whole thing take shape.

This wedding has brought up some bitter feelings between me and family folks and even some of my friends. Some of the fam is like “awwww, wittle Tasha is getting mawwwied. We’ve got to help her be a vision in fluffy white tulle and princess poof”. Please excuse me while I puke. I keep explaining that I’m a grown azz woman and can’t deal with the baby talk and while we want a nice wedding day, it’s only one day and the marriage is far more important. When I explain those things, I get the whole “worry about the wedding, the marriage will handle itself” type of advice. Ummm, how is that working out for you? Oh yeah, you’re on husband #6 (yes 6!) so I guess it’s not. Then they get all angry at me because I’m not walking around having orgasmic princess wedding fantasies. God forbid I care about my marriage in a time when marriage is such a disposable institution.

Then my mom…*sigh*. D and I decided to change the wedding and reception from a stuffy and formal humungous thing (like 275 people humungous) to a really fun, less formal gathering for our closer family and friends (we’re still hovering around 125, but ehh). We don’t care about gifts; we just want to have fun with the people we love, so we didn’t see the point in doing something that’s not our style at all and inviting people we barely know just so we can get more stuff. Well when she caught wind that we made those changes she actually said, “Ohmygod, what will my friends think? You can’t do this!” then mailed us an address book with all of her people’s info and indicated who we were to send an invite or just an announcement to. We explained our reasoning for not wanting to do it her way and she had a hissy fit. The whole time we’ve been planning, she’s acted like helping us is a pain in the ass and barely has given suggestions/opinions. Just very hands off. When I’d ask if she went through the same things we’re going through when she and my stepdad were planning their wedding she’d most always say something to the effect of, “I don’t know. That was nine years ago. My coordinator took care of those things.” That’s even for questions like how do you deal with being nervous and picking what type of bouquet to hold. This isn’t at all how I expected the wedding planning process to be with my mother. I thought we’d be the typical ‘mom is so happy and can’t wait to help and is almost over-involved’ type. When we told her that we’re paying for everything out of pocket/out of special savings and not taking out a loan, she just rolled her eyes and said “well that’s good I guess”. It sits wrong with me that she was trying to demand who we can and cannot invite (to protect/enhance/whatever her image and reputation), but never offered any help above saying “you don’t know what you’re doing allowing D to see your dress before the big day”. She purchased a dress more expensive than mine *falls on floor thinking about that price tag*, even though she’s on a fixed income now and got upset when we toned down the formality. “Well, I’m still going to wear my dress. That’s all that matters”. Hearing that made me cry angry and I couldn’t take it anymore. I finally had that hard talk with her and we’re in a better place now.

Anyway, we’re in the home stretch. Tying up loose ends is so time consuming, booooo. LOL. Oh…anyone in the urrrrrea know of a good makeup artist?

Yes!

Yes We Can!

Yes We DID!

History Unfolding

What about you? Have you voted yet today or did you early vote? If you haven’t, make sure you do. I don’t care what excuse you have to give to your boss or if you have to stand in line for 2 hours–just go. By not voting, you’re insulting the legacy of your ancestors. They fought just so we can show up and cast a ballot on election day. Never did many of them imagine that within a relatively short time one of us would be in position to possibly be elected president of the free world. I don’t care if you vote for O or not (I have my opinions, but that’s not the point); just being there to help write history as it unfolds is huge–the magnitude of which we may not understand for years to come.