My Strength

I wrote all about my life over the last few months with surgery and all, but one thing I didn’t write about is how I’d struggled. A while back I wrote about how I’ve struggled with depression for a very long time, but I never really went into how bad it was for me.

At the end of March, I fell into a serious downspiral and felt like I was completely alone. I felt like I wasn’t worth the air I was breathing. I cut everyone off, and was just functioning on autopilot. More than a few times I pictured my funeral and figured that no one would really miss me. I assumed that D would be fine…he’s a good guy and pretty good looking to boot, so I just knew he’d be able to find someone better than me. I kept telling myself that he was only with me because he felt sorry for me, and I had it in my head that he was on the prowl for someone skinnier and better looking than me. I acutally felt sorry for him…how on earth could he get in bed every day with someone who looks like me. I didn’t think I had much going for myself…sure I went to college and was planning on nursing school, but who doesn’t have career plans? My family situation is jacked up at best (somehow I wasn’t seeing D and my inlaws as family;  just people I know), and I was feeling like I had no friends in the world.

All of that noise in my head just kept on getting louder until I couldn’t take it anymore. One morning I dragged myself to the medicine cabinet and swallowed everything I could get my hands on. When D came home from work a while later, he found me on the floor halfway out of my mind and bawling. I figured he’d just let me lay there and maybe call the coroner after I died. I just knew I was going to die. I sincerely wanted to die or at least get as far away from myself as I could. I tried to send a note to him via text message, but the tears blurred the keys.

To my surprise, he got down on the floor with me and made me vomit everything in my stomach. Then he carried me to bed and cried with me and listened to me babble. I fell asleep and he stayed at my side the entire time I was asleep to make sure I didn’t get sicker or need to go to the hospital. When I woke up, I realized that he was the crash mat keeping me from hitting concrete doom at my rock bottom. He called out from work that night just to be with me and make sure I was okay. He arranged for me to meet with a new counselor, because the one I’d been seeing obviously wasn’t what I needed. And he cried with me some more. With no words, only actions, he showed me that he ain’t goin nowhere. No matter how hard I fight it, that man loves me as much as I love him. My whole life I figured if I got married, the man would always be half mine and half some-other-chick’s. Or I’d be stuck with some piece of man. I kept trying to push him away because I thought he was too good for someone as effed up as me. But he’s still here, and everytime I cry he shows me that my tears are his tears.

Now that I’m working with someone better for me, I’m getting into a better place mentally. I see that light at the end of the tunnel and everyday it gets brighter. I finally see that it’s okay to be me and that my upbringing doesn’t define me. I’ve tried so hard to make the people who raised me into something that they never can be. I now see that while I can’t change them, I can accept them and I can also accept the wonderful thing that is my “new” family. Even if it’s just the two of us, we’re a family and we’re happy. Happy is such a new concept to me, I sometimes get scared of it. But I’m learning to accept my blessings for what they are. This is my chance to exhale.

And because I know he’s reading this…

D,

Thank you for being my strength when I didn’t have any left. Ever since you came into my world, first as “police boy” and now as my husband, you’ve exhibited the perfect combination of grace and manhood–I wish more men would follow your example. We’ve grown together and you’ve seen the ugliest parts of my soul and still managed to find beauty in all of me. Thank you for being my best friend even when I couldn’t be a friend to you or myself. Neither one of us is perfect, but it’s obvious that we’re perfect for each other. And even on the off chance that we don’t grow old together, I’ll never be bitter because I’ve gotten the chance to experience such amazing things with you. You encourage me to grow into my own woman and be the best me I can, and for that there aren’t enough words of thanks. I gave you my heart, and while to some it might not be much, it’s the most valuable thing I have. I love you.

Me.

Random Meme

I haven’t done one of these in a long time, so I’ll subject you all…

The rules are the same as in every other meme in blogland. I don’t tag people, so if you want to play along, steal this one and paste on your blog.

1. If your boss says, “I would like to talk to you about  your internet usage” what would your first reaction  be? See what had happened was…ummm. Damn, you caught me. Just don’t cut off access to my blogs, or my paycheck for that matter.

2. If you SO asks you “Does this make me look fat?” how do you answer? D is a man. He’d never ask me that

3. What is one thing that you pay for, but resent  having to do so? Water! Why the hell do I have to pay for water every three months?? Mother Nature makes it rain all the time for free, so why I gotta pay for it?

4. A day is being created in honor of you. How should we celebrate it? Umm, don’t I already have a day? It’s called March 7…my birthday. Give me cake and presents and sing to me. Yup, that’ll do.

5. What CD or Album in your music collection do you secretly enjoy, but would be embarrassed if others heard you grooving to it? Thriller. I ain’t shamed! Oh, but if I was really embarassed to be listening to it, do you really think I’d tell yall that I have it on repeat?

6. How long do you think you would last if you were a contestant on Survivor? *laughs* Like Survivor on an island? Maybe about 2 weeks. But Survivor in the projects/hood? I’d win that bitch.

7. What’s a weapon that you feel suits your personality? I don’t really know, but we have several in the house…bwahahahahaha. Actually, probably a machete. I’ve known how to use one since I was about 5 and I had one made for me a few years ago.

8. Have you ever ended up injured after trying an interesting new sex position? Unfortunately yes and I ended up in the ER and had to get stitches because of it. I might have to share that story one day…

9. If a talking Tasha doll were made, what are THREE phrases it would say? 1. Really? 2. That’s Unfortunate 3. I’m gonna need you to (whatever)

10. What is the last annoying song that got trapped in your head? That gotdamned “Boyfriend #2″. I can’t stand the song, but I swear it’s stuck permanently in my head

Am I Wrong?

Over the years, I’ve learned not to expect a whole lot from my father but yet again he’s got me feeling some kind of way and I’m not sure if I’m wrong for it.

When D and I got married back in December, he’d told me that he was planning on coming. A few days before the wedding, he asked if we could pick him up from the airport a few hours before rehearsal and he also asked if I could find him a more affordable place to stay with his son. I was miffed about how he was handling the preparations for arrival, especially him telling me that he was having surgery the Monday before the wedding but would be coming anyway. There were other reasons as well, but I’m not going to bother going into them. I thought this was selfish…he wanted to make sure to attend the wedding more for himself than for me.

He’d also told D and I that he was going to give us a teller’s check as a wedding gift. The Tuesday before the wedding he told me that his wife had gotten fired from her job again and he needed to cash in the teller’s check so they could take care of things at home and buy food. That would mean he’d be travelling from Florida to DC with about $80 on hand (things were that tight for him). I told him not to travel with such a short amount of money and fresh out of surgery, especially having his 12 year old son with him, but he came regardless.

Anyway, he said that he’d give us another teller’s check when he got his pension at the first of the month. I said whatever…I really couldn’t have cared less about the money. I spoke to him once just after we got back from our honeymoon and he told D how he hoped to get to know him yadda yadda yadda. Well neither of us have heard from him since. He’s sent me forwarded chain letter-type of emails, but hasn’t actually contacted me. My birthday came and went and he never contacted me; never sent me a card. He hasn’t called or written to find out how our new married life is and he hasn’t called to let me know if he’s living, dying, or something in between. I tried emailing  him, but I never got a response. I’d call him, but I’m ALWAYS the one to initiate contact.

I’m not upset that several “first of the months” have gone by and he could have sent us a gift or a card. I really don’t care about a gift or money. What I’m upset by is the fact that he hasn’t attempted to see about me. I’m his only daughter and he’ll go on and on and on about how much he wishes he could have been a better father to me, but when he’s given the opportunity he just doesn’t do what he should.

Now I’m questioning myself as to whether or not I’m wrong for feeling bitter. He’s always getting on me when we do make contact because I don’t call him often enough, but dammit the phone works both ways. I don’t understand why it’s my job to find him. You would think that after this many years I’d just be able to let it go, but something about him knowing that I’m married now and close to getting ready to have kids of my own makes me feel like he should be putting in effort. He says he wants to get to know D, but how can he if he doesn’t try?

D and I sit and talk about our future children a lot and he’s often mentioned wanting to be a great daddy, especially to his little girl. Sometimes I get jealous of our non-existant children because I know they’ll have the family I never had and I know they’ll have their daddy (no matter what might happen with us). I know my daughters won’t have to walk up the aisle alone on their wedding days like I did because they’ll know where their daddy is. They’ll have daddy to cuddle up with when they’re sick. Hell, daddy will actually know when they’re sick–something I only got when my mom got remarried (a million thanks to my stepdaddy–he’s my dad). I could go on and on, but seriously I’m bitter.

Maybe he’s hiding because he thinks I want that teller’s check or some other tangible gift. What he fails to realize is the only wedding gift I wanted from him was him, and not just for the half-hour I actually saw him. I’m bitter. Am I wrong?

My New Addiction

D put me on to some mess that he shouldn’t have. Now I’ll get absolutely nothing done at work because I’ll be effing with the site all day long. He sent me to Television Tunes where you can listen to the theme songs for all of your favorite TV shows, past and present.

Listening to some of those songs reeeally took me back. I remember being glued to “Silver Spoons”, “A Different World”, “The Cosby Show” and “Punky Brewster” (if you didn’t know before, I guess now you have a pretty good idea how old/young I am).  I sat listening last night for a good close to two hours. Now I’ll probably end up on yo.u.tube trying to look for old episodes. Yall know how that can get. There goes a completely productive good day at work.

What TV shows were your favorites growing up?

On the sneaky

Apparently the saying “you can take the person out of the hood, but you can’t take the hood out of the person” is true.

A few weekends ago, D and I went to one of our favorite restaurants for date night. Aww, cute right? Anyway, we were escorted to the table by someone who looked more like a busboy than a host. I brushed it off until he said, “I’m taking you to the special table, gotta help my wife out” as he walked us to our seat. It threw me off, but I had an “aww moment” at the thought of the guy trying to get his waitress wife some extra business/tips. I did notice later on that he was a busboy; I saw the real hostess seating people and him cleaning off tables.

The girl who waited on us had tittyballs all exposed with a bow tie on. Technically she was in uniform, but she was rocking the skanktastic version. She was nice enough, but kept coming to check on us–more often than most waitresses would. I get bothered by that. Check on me a few times, sure, but let me enjoy my dinner.

Once we were finished with dinner and were just chatting over our drinks, our “host” came back by our table. “Just seeing how your meal was”. We exchanged pleasantries and as he was leaving he slid a binder onto our table and said “$5 dollas each. If it’s a star next to it, that means I don’t got it. Everything else I got”. This fool had the nerve to give us a homemade catalog/listing of bootleg movies and CDs.

I can’t knock the man’s hustle, but this is not the kind of thing that you should be doing on the clock, and at a nice restaurant mind you. Of course I looked through the catalog because I’m nosy, but I couldn’t in good faith buy anything.  D was dying laughing because obviously the dude had no idea he was just trying to conduct illegal business with a cop. I guess he figured we were down because we’re part of the brown skin brother and sisterhood cuz he didn’t seem to be trying that with any of the other (melanin deficient) couples he interacted with. Naw homie, don’t work like that.

We thought about telling management, but we figured if he’s resorted to hustling bootlegs at work he probably needs all the cash he can accumulate. Sigh.

Only Me

I think I have some type of magnet built into my body that attracts completely crazy people to me. I don’t ever hear about so much crazy happening to other people, or at least not in the frequency with which it happens to me.

Anyway, I had to stop and get gas on the way to work so I stopped at Wawa to handle that and get some coffee and fruit (Oh how I heart Wawa–that’s for another day though). While I was waiting to pay, I saw the people around me start wrinkling up their faces. I honestly figured someone had passed gas and it stunk so I didn’t bother to look in the direction they were looking in. Really I should have. Note to self, when people look in one direction and look disgusted, you need to find out what the problem is.

Next thing I know I get a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and immediately wanted to dig a hole and bury myself in it. Behind me was this man, dressed in what looked like a womens cable knit sweater and carpenter jeans, who had nothing but rotting blackness where his teeth should be. Jesus be a dentist and some denture cream. I turned back around because I figured he wanted me to move to the side so he could reach the candy counter. He tapped me on my shoulder again. I turned around and before I could even get my mouth fixed to ask him what he wanted, he started singing.

Man (singing):  “You are the sunshine of my liiiiiiiifffeeeee…..”

Man (talking): “So what brings you here this morning?”

Me: “I’m getting gas and heading to work”

Man: “See that’s what I like, an independent woman. And you’re thick too!? I bet you would look cute on my arm at the movies”

Me: “I don’t think my husband would appreciate that much”

Man: “Well I can’t say I didn’t try. It’s always some fine women up in here!”

It was finally my turn in line and as I was leaving, I peeked over my shoulder and saw him give me the hollaback nod. I proceeded to basically sprint to the car and laugh until I cried all the way to work. I can’t take it!

She’s Aliiiive

Hey fam, it’s been a while since I logged in and did some posting. I hope yall haven’t written me off yet. Thanks so much for the emails checking in on me and letting me know it’s time to get back to the blog game. That’s not to say that I don’ t have lots to talk about though. A lot’s been going on, but I’m settled in to the new place so I actually have time to blog again.

So I had surgery, and that went well. I’m still not 100% the way I should be, but I’m better than I was so I’m not complaining about a thing. Just before surgery, I cut the job strings loose so I enjoyed a while as a “desperate housewife”. One weekend before I got my “poor man’s nose job” sinus reconstruction, D and I went for a drive and we saw a house we loved. We really weren’t going to start trying seriously for a house for a while yet, but we fell in love with the one we saw.

With the market being the way it is, we were able to get the process done much faster than usual, so within a few weeks we were signed into and ready to go on our new house. We were living more in the Baltimore area before, but now we’re back in the DC Metro (well the ouskirts of the area, but much more commutable than before). We got ourselves a fabulous 3 story townhouse with 3 bedrooms 2.5 baths, in an area with some of the best schools in the state and country for that matter (that was important to us becuase we plan on starting a family sooner rather than later and didn’t want to have to move when the kids got to school age).

During the whole moving process, I started looking for a new job. Given this rough economy,  I was blessed with numerous interviews and was able to snag a great position with a major player in the health insurance industry. It was a rare opening, and I just happened to fit the requirements to the T. Somehow I beat out a pool of about 200 applicants. Yay! So a week after we moved in, I started at the new place and I love it thus far.

We’re finally settled in our new house and are no longer living out of boxes. Moving is such a wretched process for me and I’ve moved a lot in the last few years, so I’m glad to be in a permanent place. Peace out apartment life.

Anyhoo, now you’ve gotten the quick and dirty about what’s been going on in my world. I’ve been so behind reading blogs; I know I’ve got serious catching up to do so I’ll be by your spots in short order. Aww, I didn’t realize how much I actually missed you *sniffle* *wipes tear*