Apartment Dwelling Dimwits

I live in a fairly quiet apartment complex where people pretty much keep to themselves and take pride in their homes. Most of us here get up and go to work everyday and live very normal lives, and we’re very clean people. We’ve had a bunch of new people move in recently, and things just haven’t been right since. I really thought leasing offices exist not only to collect the rent and to send maintenance to fix broken dishwashers, but to screen the people they let live in their complexes. When you fill out the application to rent an apartment, they ask for your rental history and references. Is this there just to make the application look thorough or do they actually check this stuff? The following is an open letter to my new neighbors:

My Dearest Neighors,

I’m glad you feel comfortable in your new homes, and I hope you enjoy your time here. I believe that we can all live in harmony together, but I have a few concerns I’d like to share with you.

The laundry room is not a good place to have sex. I know it gets warm and cozy in there when the dryers are going, but I really don’t think you want to risk getting dryer lint caught in your nether regions. See, all of us in our building use those machines and we go in there whenever the urge to do laundry hits, so your “secret location” really isn’t secret, nor is it private. Lots of people like to watch porn, but seeing it in person really messes up the fantasy. Also, I’m glad you’re being responsible and safe, but please make sure you pick up your dirty Trojans when you’re done. There’s a trash can in there and I promise you it’s okay if you use it.

Children are truly beautiful miracles, and yours are no different. However, when raising them, you should set some type of boundaries. I know they have just as much right as any other resident to sit on the stairs to the building, but when they clog up the entrance and I have to pull a Spiderwoman move to get around them with my groceries, I risk serious injury. “Excuse me” isn’t rude and it’s not a foreign language, so please educate your darling progeny on the fact that when people say it they shouldn’t roll their eyes or cop an attitude. Speaking of attitude, they’re awfully young to have such nasty ones. I normally see that kind of attitude from adults that have been through the fire of life, not just the lunch line at school. Oh, and at 11AM on a Tuesday, they should be in school, not home in the hallway asking me why I’m home with the flu.

Your apartment is just that, an apartment. It is not a rollerskating rink or a dance club. There is no reason why it should sound like you’re walking around with cement shoes on at EVERY hour of the day and night. Please remember that people live underneath you, and those people can hear. I like music and movies as well, but I’d rather hear the soundtrack coming from my own stereo and television. I’m psyched for you that you were able to afford a home theater system with surround sound, but the sound need not surround the people who don’t live with you.

For you culinary superstars, there is a fan directly over your stove. This fan helps to get rid of your cooking smells. I like arroz con pollo just as much as the next person, but when I can smell it better than I can smell the incense and Glade Plug-Ins that are 5 feet away from me, something is amiss. I’m sure you are a great cook, but I don’t need you to tickle my olfactory fancy every day.

Neighbors, please accept my suggestions and do what you will with them. I want you to feel as welcome here as I did when I first moved in. But I pay rent here just like you, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I be able to live in peace. I will do what I can to help you adjust to living around people other than your immediate family, but I need you to hold up your end of the bargain. Welcome Home.

Truly Yours,


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