I’m not sure what it is about me that draws insanely sketchy men, but as much as it sucks, they provide me with all sorts of comic relief. This poor excuse for a man found me on The Crackpace, aka MySpace.
I don’t spend my time on The ‘Space stalking people, but I do log on pretty often to get in touch with friends that I don’t see on the regular and to add pics now and again. This is what normal people use Crackspace for. Some people, however, see this venue as a way to get their cyber-pimp on, and contiunously make fools of themselves.
On Tuesday, I got a message from some idiot named “Black&Long” telling me that he liked my smile. I sent a thank you back and figured that would be the end of it. All of a half-hour later, I got another message from him telling me that he’s called “Black&Long” because he’s got enough to be able to take care of a thick woman like myself. He wanted to know when we could meet up to watch a movie. I couldn’t even bring myself to respond to his message because all I could think was his personality must be so vapid that the only way he can potentially find himself in the presence of a flesh-and-blood woman is to go the x-rated route. Just to humor myself, I looked at his profile and there was nothing but Freak McNasty quotes all over the place. Shook my head and logged off.
The next day, waiting for me in my Crackspace inbox was another message from him. He wrote (copied and pasted verbatim), “Oh gyrl I skurred you away? Don’t be skurred of me, you know you can handle it. But what if I told you I will cook for you and wash up yo hairs and make you sweats? Wouldn’t that excite you mamacita?” What in the goodness?? Sweats!? Is this fool actually going to sew me a pair of sweatpants? I responded, “Ooooh, you’re really going to do all that for lil ol’ me??? I only eat organic food, and I only allow my personal stylist to wash my hair with rare Artesian shampoo” (again people, I lied to get a response from him. I don’t know what Artesian shampoo is, but it sounds more classy than anything he knows of).
Thursday rolled around and I got “I ain’t really gonna do that shit for you, but you best to be happy I want to bless you with my black and long cuz you know can’t nobody take curr dat azz like dis nicca right here” All I could do was roll my eyes and respond with, “Please take your foolish attempt at pimping elsewhere. You don’t excite me, you can’t string a coherent sentence together to save your life. If you really were black and long and great like you say you are, you wouldn’t need to use MySpace to get a piece. Don’t you know that you can use match.com or something? MySpace dating is for teenagers, you’re 38. Now run along and eat your cereal, your mama’s calling. And I bet she’s the only female who’s actually seen your bull-isht black&long”
I guess he was offended by my statement because his final communication with me was “Fine. Scooby Doo to you too” Damn, I don’t even know if that’s supposed to be an insult. Yikes!!
Men, please step up your game. This is getting out of hand.