The Great Christmas Tree Caper

I love Christmas, so I decided this year to put up two Christmas trees. I figured I could do a nice faux tree in the dining room and a real one in the living room. Having two trees would be great for the holiday party I’m hosting in just over a week.

Two of my girlfriends came over to help with all things tree related. The faux tree went up without any major issues, it’s one of those pre-lit plug-it-in type of things, so there’s no way to easily jack that up. We put on some red bows and left it alone…very classic looking. It actually almost looks real, shedding faux pine needles and all. Nice job, drink some eggnog. Mission #1 accomplished.

We then decided it was time to go purchase the real tree, so we piled in my friend’s pickup truck and headed to the tree farm/lot/golf course (whatever you want to call it). Walking around looking for the perfect tree felt like something out of the Black Brady Bunch, minus the boys, the parents, and Alice. We were singing all of the corny Christmas songs we could think of and playing with the little kids that were there. Awww, you got it, prime Kodak moments–I’ll upload and share those pics with you all as soon as I get my camera back. We found the perfect tree, although it seemed a bit on the large size, and had the tree salespeople strap it to the back of the pickup truck.

Once we got back to my house, we realized that we couldn’t life the behemoth evergreen. We didn’t realize how heavy it was. Now normally there’s no shortage of men walking past my domicile, and we should have been able to cajole one of them into helping us get the tree into my living room. But on this day, all we saw were pregnant women, dogs, and a family with about 5 young children with them, so no help for us. At that point we realized that we were on our own with this tree. Cue wild west showdown music. “It’s just you and me, tree…high noon”

Rather than go back inside to devise a logical plan for getting the tree inside, we got back in the truck and turn on the radio but we didn’t go anywhere. We just sat there in the driveway trying to figure out how to beat a tree at its own game. Zarielle, one of my partners in crime on this expedition, pulls out a flask of egg nog. A flask, people! What self-respecting 26 year old walks around with a flask in her parka?! *sigh and chuckle*. However, none of us were adverse to a touch of eggnog…maybe that would help us in our conundrum.

Perhaps egg nog turns your brain to mush, because the ridiculous ideas began flowing. If Santa Claus can fit down a chimney, then my tree should be able to do the same. So I got a ladder out of the shed and put it to the side of the building. It didn’t go high enough, so I was thinking…well we were all cheerleaders and/or dance team members, so we know how to make a pyramid and can balance on someone’s shoulders. I figured that may not work because we couldn’t actually lift the tree high enough to push it up the ladder once we were in our modified pyramid. Ok, so that wasn’t going to work. Next idea…

**Light bulb moment!** I have a sliding patio door, we should be able to fit it through there. Only problem, the patio is down a steep hill. Zarielle to the rescue! “The tree is like a big cone right? Cones roll since they’re round. Tree on ground, roll to the patio”

“I’m not sure about that, won’t it go in the wrong direction since the top is not as wide?”

“Nah, I studied physics and geometry in school”

“Both of us did too, and that doesn’t sound right”

“Don’t worry about this, I got it. My dad’s a civil engineer, he’s taught me well. A cone will roll”

So we put the tree on the ground, and slid it over toward the hill. We were at least smart enough to “team lift” the tree out of the back of the truck. But Samia, the other co-conspirator in all of this, was in the middle. She’s shorter than everyone so while we could put the tree at shoulder height, her head was all in the branches as she was trying to hold on to the center part of the treetrunk. As we put the tree down on the ground to slide it, her hair got stuck. We didn’t know this, but as the tree got closer to the ground, we heard a sickening scream and saw Samia and the ground unite. With her hair still stuck in the middle of an evergreen tree. It took about 3 minutes to get her un-stuck, and once we did, she was wearing a crown of needles. It almost looked kind of regal. Kind of. Well…maybe not.

“One. Two. Three. PUSH!” We gave the tree a good heave-ho and sent it rolling down the hill. Surprisingly Zarielle was right, the tree rolled properly. I wasn’t thinkging that the top of the tree wasn’t heavy enough to make it roll in a different direction. So we opened the patio doors and did one more “team lift” to get the thing in the house. Mission accomplished, kind of.

Now I need to get the tree upright and into the stand so it can get an adequate supply of water and be decorated by next week. I don’t think the water soaked paper towel covered in aluminum foil at the base of the trunk works as well with trees as it does flowers. Zarielle and Samia have retired from the tree hauling business and all of my guy friends are tired of putting their girlfriends trees and refuse to make an exception for me, so I’m left to my own devices this time. Maybe I can get a small crane? Make a see-saw to tip the tree upright?

Dammit, where’s rent a boyfriend/husband when you need it?

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3 thoughts on “The Great Christmas Tree Caper

  1. Do that. I can’t be rent-a-boyfriend, as my wife would take a dim view of that, but, I will be rent-an-older-brother (or uncle) if you need the assistance.

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