As usual, my mind’s been working overtime trying to figure out some of the not-so-pressing mysteries of life, so here’s some more of the isht I wanna know:
1)Call the check-cashing place baby, cuz we got a big one. We done won da Sweepstakes!!-Why do the winners of the Publisher’s Clearinghouse thing that comes on during the Superbowl always live in Tennessee or Arkansas or some podunk-ass town in Nebraska? And the people never live in a house or apartment, it’s always a gotdamned double wide trailer. Note to Publisher’s Clearinghouse: I have no problem being on camera, so yall can feel free to bring that giant check to my place. I know I live in Murrland, but I’ll fake a country accent if I have to.
2)Got a new pistol with a trigger like a hairpin-The twelve year old and his dad who live above from me stopped me the other day talking about they were going to the shooting range. Some shit is wrong here. Why does this child know how to shoot a semi-automatic weapon but has NO idea who Shakespeare is? I mentioned Romeo and Juliet and he was like…HUH? And this is going to be running my country one day? I’m very afraid.
3)Blonde Ambition-Why the hell do I keep having dumb blonde moments? My hair has been a verifiably flattering shade of blonde for the last 2 years (NO it’s not yellow. I read the rules of how black girls are supposed to do blonde)with periods of dark brown thrown in for fun, and every once in a while I catch myself saying some “Becky-ism”. Like, “OMG, where are my keys dude?”.
4)Beyaki Deity-Why do so many black gay men act like Beyonce is God? Stan is not quite the word. If I hear another one of my super-extra-fabulous male friends discussing the cultural relevance of “Listen” or “Upgrade U” I will be upgrading to the back of a police car listening to the jude tell me I’m guilty of verbal assault.
5)Money Hungry, Feed Me!-Why is it perfectly acceptable for a woman to ask a dude how much money he makes the first time she meets him, but he can’t ask her? I thought we were liberated. Golddigging on the part of a female is waaaay to accepted and commonplace. Ladies, go to work and buy your own shit, don’t worry bout what he can buy you right off the bat. Plentiful pockets often hold pitiful personalities.
6)Jesus Christ Superstar-Why do people get mad at Oprah (or Pope-rah, whatever you want to call her) when she does with her money what she chooses? So she built a school for girls in South Africa. Ok, and she’s sent countless people to college here. Damn, she can’t make everybody happy. The woman is NOT Jesus! People need to back down from telling others what to do with their resources, especially when they don’t do jack with their own. Time is free, but I don’t see many of the people who are telling Oprah that she’s wrong for supporting her causes out voluteering. Where were yall when Katrina and Rita hit, and people needed clothing, shelter, and people to talk to? Hmmm, that’s what I thought.
7)Club Coonin-Why do people think that da club (go shawty, it’s ya burfday…sorry yall, I couldn’t help it) is the best place not only to find someone to wife, but also to show off the 25-cent bling they bought from the vending machine at Giant or Shoppers? That’s all I have to say about that.
8)Rims Renegade-Why do people think that putting $3000 rims and slapping a VTEC or Si sticker (my fellow racers understand this) or worse yet a stereo store window graphic on their rusted out 1987 IROC-Z makes it nice? The damn thing won’t start, but at least it looks fast right? Looks more like hot garbahj (that’s the fake-me-out French way to say Garbage) if you ask me!
9)Conjunction Junction, What’s Your Function?-Why do people use extra adverbs and adjectives when they’re trying to sound smart? Either that, or they’ll try to make every word an adverb. What the hell does Pontificatively or Juxtapositionally mean? Yes, some man tried to holla at me like this during undergrad. And for the love of God, the proper word is converse, not conversate. Also, for the very final time, irregardless needs to be stricken from your vocabulary. The word is regardless–I promise.
10)Grown and Sexy-Why at the “Grown and Sexy” parties are very few people actually sexy? Do they think that Hypnotiq and Corona goggles will fix that? And why does “sexy” for the big girl have to involve looking like:
Just No. Ok, No.
11)Language Lockdown-Why is it that so many black people, especially the ghetto birds, can barely speak English or even Ebonics but when it comes to alcohol they get that pronunciation straight? They know how to properly accent and say Patrón, Moët et Chandon, and Cristal but can’t say “subsequent”. Problems.
12)I be seein Da King!-I know this has been asked many ways, but how come people have sightings of dead white people like Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, Janis Joplin, Frank Sinatra, and Buddy Holly yet no one ever sees Marvin Gaye or Tammi Terrell or Minnie Riperton or Luther Vandross or Barry White? You never see the Marvin Gaye impersonator’s convention in Las Vegas.
13)Tracks for Days!-How come when a black woman gets tracks or other purchased hair sewn or glued in her hair it’s called weave, but when white women do it it’s called “Perfect Hair”? I’m not mad at Britney and nem, but how come no one says anything when they go from a short bob cut to Rapunzel in two days? When Halle does it, people got stuff to say callin her triflin all up and down.
14)Sneaker Keeper-I understand sneaker lovers, really I do. But why will a man have an apartment full of roaches, mice, and have trash everywhere but his sneakers are kept spotless and meticulously organized in their boxes? I mean damn, you have to have a sword fight with pizza boxes to clear off a seat on the couch, but you don’t want your kicks to get dirty? You are not pimpin.
15)The Debil is a Lyah!-Why when really “churchy” people do something really extra or horribly mean, they say “The Devil Made Me Do It” and act like it’s okay. But let poor Leroy, who’s actually trying to free his soul from the grips of the devil, do something even slightly wrong, the same “churchy” people essentially damn him to hell?
Makes me go hmmmm…