Called Out!

Lately myself and a few friends have had some run ins with people and they need to be called out! I’m putting their foolishness in the Bullshit Bag:

Don’t hate the player, hate the game
My friend Anyiah called me the other day bitching about this dude she was dealing with and how completely ignorant he started acting. They met about a month ago and have been building a nice little dating relationship. You know–talking on the phone every day, chillin at each other’s cribs, movies, dinner, and of course uglies bumpin. I just knew they was about to win the “bun and bunnette” award of the year. But all of a sudden he just stopped calling. No returned phonecalls, no nothing for three days. She knows the deal, she’s not so silly as to think that he’s just really tied up at work or some foolishness, but she’s mad at his attempt to pull the BS. Real playas know how to tell someone point blank that they aren’t trying to be exclusive anything, and all you can do is respect that and get yours while you can. But these wanna be shady type dudes think that pulling some “I forgot who the hell you are” tactic cements their playa status, but all it does is cement their *ahem* punk status. Fake azz playa, get in the BS bag!

Lines like an Etch a Sketch
Again, the wanna be be playas with the corny lines. I wonder where they get the idea that these lines actually work. It’s like that cellphone commercial where the kid trying to impress a few girls takes advice from the not-so-Rico-Suave guy and ends up getting cussed out. “Yo, you must be related to a hand grenade cuz yo’ body is bangin'” “Oooh damn girl, you da thickness, I want you to keep me warm tonight” “I wanna drink some of yo’ pussynog for Christmas” “I’ll be your dick-in-a-box” Now I know some females actually fall for that corny mess, but a man should be smart enough to stay FAR FAR AWAY from the ones that do. Either they’ve got self-esteem issues that can’t be fixed or they’re going to burn you with the worst case of Gonorrhea this side of the Atlantic. And don’t even start with that “Psst, shawtie” shit. Get in the BS bag!

Some of my best friends are colored…
WTF? What did you just say Becky? You’ve had how many black people in your home? The fact that you can tell me just how many have crossed your threshold is not a good sign. Do you give background checks before they come to make sure they’re asexual and non-threatning? Do you count the pizza boy? And colored? Hmmm….lemme get back to you on that one. That’s like me saying my best friend from 4th grade was the color of a dusty apricot. I bet you, going from that statement alone that the “best friends” you speak of are your daughter’s school lunch lady and the older-than-Moses woman who’s your best friend from up the street’s Nanny. Oh, and if the colored people are your friends, why do you cross the street faster than flying bacon grease when you see one walking toward you?
Oh, and you know a gay dude from the bagel shop, so now some of your “best friends” are gay? Reeeeally? Cuz I thought I saw you throw a Bible at the last rainbow you passed. Get in the damn BS bag with all that!

We’re winning the war in Iraq
No comment. Get in the BS bag. Immediately.

I’m gonna quit tomorrow, next week, on the 24th
Moms, I hate to call you out like this, but umm you’ve been saying that every New Year’s since 1977. Newports are da debil and you’re a nurse, you should know better. *but shhh, I can’t blame you, I know your job is stressful as sin* I love you more than life itself, but you earned this…Get in the BS bag Mama!

I found your number…
You paranoid woman! If you’re so damn suspect of your man that you’re checkin up on him and following him around, stalkin his phone bills, and cell phone records, then more than likely he’s cheating and you already know that. And what makes you think stalking his triflin cheating behind is going to make him stop and suddenly realize how much he looovvveeess you? You can’t force a man-hoe to be a house-husband. Sorry to burst your bubble. Get in the BS bag!

This is my real hair
Umm, then why is your track showing? Awww shit, I didn’t know that Miracle Gro worked on hair too, cuz I saw you last week and your hair was shorter than a lil bit. Now it’s down to your asscrack? And half blonde, half black like Remy Ma? Wow, impressive…*side eye*. It’s real you say? “You betta quit ya lyin heffa…watch yaself” Oh, lacefront wig? That still doesn’t qualify as real hair that grew out of your scalp. And why did you tell your man it was real? See, he’s traumatized now because last night yall was gettin down wit it and he pulled your hair too hard and it landed on the floor across from the bed. Get in the BS bag!

I know there is so much more that needs to be called out…be on the lookout cuz this bag will be back, bwahahahaha

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5 thoughts on “Called Out!

  1. I stumbled on your blog via the random blog from the bestest…and read thru a half dozen of your posts.

    Sometimes you’re a riot and sometimes you make me say tsk tsk.

    Makes me wonder what my oldest would right if she blogged.

    Does your Mama read your stuff?

  2. ”you can’t force a man-ho to be a house-husband’ – too right! maybe we like being blind sometimes but it is the cold, harsh truth 🙂

  3. @Katherine- She sure does, but I’m grown so if she doesn’t like it she can click the red x at the top of the screen too.

    *Sorry mama, you know I ain’t mean it like that*

  4. LMAO!!! Classic! I need one of those bags!

    Colored? Did someone say that for REAL? That reminds me of the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry presented his White friends with a bi-racial looking baby doll at their baby shower. They looked a little puzzled and he said “See, it’s a mullatto!” and the party got silent.

    Why do Black people love Newports? I tried them during my dallience with cigs and found them repulsive. My mom needs to get in the bag and take her Virginia Slims with her!

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