I’ve tried online dating a few times and figured it might be a fairly easy way to weed out the foolishness and get right down to the decent men. I don’t know where my head was at, because anyone who’s tried it will tell you that it’s just as bad, in some cases worse than doing the in-person “how you dooin..” type stuff. But the in-person is too much fun and I participate like a champ!
This is how it’s supposed to happen (according to the websites):
After digging around the thesaurus for the best words to use in your 2,000 word profile and finding your very best pic, it’s on. Educated, articulate, classy, ready-for-relationship (or raw monkey sex depending on the slant of the website) men come out of the woodwork and become great dating prospects. Their profiles are on point, they have great pictures, great email and phone conversation, etc. You go out with a few of them and finally decide to settle down with “The One!”. Yall get married, then have your pictures plastered all over the dating site you met at to show what a success their site is.
This is how it really happens:
You create a masterpiece of a personal profile with the best pictures of yourself, serious yet humorous explanations of what you’re looking for in a mate, etc. Your profile is on point! So you wait. The next day you get a bunch of emails from men. You open one, and see that he has no profile text or picture with his profile. His screenname is something like bigmandingo_69 and he sends a message that says nothing but “Call Me. 555-555-5555, Mike.” You don’t call this fool because you don’t know anything about him or have an idea what he looks like. Repeat this a whole bunch more times–men with no profiles, etc. Then *Eureka*, a normal one–a man who actually knows to write something about himself in the profile and include a picture–sends a message. You know something is off about this one though. He says he’s an executive for a fine dining establishment, but after the first few times you talk, you find out that he’s an Assistant Manager at Chik-Fil-A. Yes the chicken they use at Chik-Fil-A is real and their sweet tea may as well be liquid crack, but the establishment is hardly fine dining. But you give him a chance anyway. You decide to meet, and once you see him, you’re immediately inclined to end the date because instead of looking like the clean cut man in the pic, he resembles Chewbacca without a recent shower. But you remember that you’re a classy lady and try to be nice. Once you leave, he hints not so subtly that he wants to get in it and tear it to pieces. You try to find every excuse in the book to get him away from you as he reaches his hand out toward you to touch. Finally you tell him that you’ve got some rare form of “can’tgiveitup-itis” and he leaves you alone. The next day he calls you 95 times and you have a whole bunch more emails from generic playas with phone numbers. Now “the one” is the stalker that you had to have arrested because he’s determined now to become your permanent dick dealer. Or worse yet, you get a bunch of wack, lame emails from generic yuckballs in Montana. See, it never works the way the website says it does.
So what I’ve decided to do is start a type of Human Resources department for myself, where I take in resumes of interested men and I can choose based on their qualifications. I know online dating was supposed to solve that, but I don’t get enough information about their relationship qualifications, and filling out a written profile is optional. At the Corporate Headquarters of Tasha, you don’t get a call unless your resume is together. Here’s the ideal candidate’s resume:
Future Mr. La Bella Noire
My own house, USA
Two-parent involvment during childhood
Grandparents married 50+ years
Loves kids but has none
Excellent Listening Skills
Great Sense of Humor
No Trifling Friends
Can serve up a mean dick-in-a-box
2004-2006, I Tried to Make it Work
New York, NY
Reason for Termination: Mutual decision that we’d grown apart after working to try and maintain relationship. No bitter feelings.
2002-2003, I Wasn’t Ready
Reason for Termination: First relationship out of college. Still needed time to be a bachelor, so I realized that I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. Didn’t cheat, left relationship before it got to that point.
Reason for Termination: I admit I messed that one up. I hadn’t grown out of old college habits and didn’t treat her the way she needed to be treated.
Dated a few women, had a few moments of indiscretion. Had fun, didn’t want responsibilities of relationship.
1995-1998, High School Sweetheart
New York, NY
Reason for Termination: First Love, didn’t want to end the relationship. But we grew apart and we recognized that college may tear us apart, so we ended things to make things fair.
References Available Upon Request
If it only worked that way, I think most women would be better off. Maybe I should post an ad for “Executive Partner” on careerbuilder.com or something. I’m sure I could learn more about the person from their real resume than I do from most online dating places. Although, I can’t lie; I’m currently enjoying an unexpected level of success from one site, and it provides me with all kinds of comic relief the lengths some people will go to to get a date.