More Conversations With La Bella Mama

Now that I live with D, my mother felt the need to pass on some nuggets of wisdom to me last night. Apparently these are secrets known by all wives and live in girlfriends the world over, and she felt that I’m now in a place to know this information. My mother is an absolute nut, she really needs her own reality show or something.

Me: “Mom, I love him dearly, but he has some habits I just can’t stand. Uggggg! The shirts!”

Mom: “Just leaves ’em on the floor, right? And has a few that he wears ALL the time, but you hate and think the rest of the world hates just as much?”

Me: “Ohmygod. Yup. You have the same problem?”

Mom: “Every married woman or live in girlfriend has or has had this issue. Hmmm, you know what you do right? Damn, I shouldn’t be telling you this. I really shouldn’t.”

Me: “You can’t not tell me now!”

Mom: “Okay…well….alright. Now don’t get too happy with this but, every once in a blue moon, take one of the shirts you HATE and just hide it. Does he go in your car trunk?”

Me: “No. Not unless we’re grocery shopping or something”

Mom: “Okay good. When he starts looking for it, you look for it just as hard as he does. Just make sure you don’t laugh or get that crooked face you get when you’re trying to hide something. Jesus, I know I shouldn’t have told you this.”

Me: **dying laughing**

Mom: “About 3 or 4 months later, get another one of his shirts that you hate and rip a big azz hole in the armpit. Then throw it in the wash and when you take it out tell him ‘Awwww baby, your shirt got messed up in the wash’. And try not to laugh. If you think he might try to fix the hole, throw some bleach on it and wash it then tell him it got caught up in the white clothes when you were doing laundry”

Me: **still laughing @ the idea of my mama telling me this mess**

Mom: “Then you say, well let’s go shopping and replace that shirt that got messed up. You pick one out that you like and say ‘you’d look sexy in this. Go try it on’. He’ll wear that shirt proudly cuz he knows you think it looks sexy.”

Me: “So you do this to daddy?”

Mom: “What do you think? You saw those crazy looking shirts he had when we got married? They got *ahem* upgraded. You must not know bout me, child!”

Me: “Damn. So did gramma teach you this?”

Mom: “Of course, and I saw my aunts and her friends do it, and all my married friends do it too. It makes for a happy household. Or at least one that doesn’t involve your man going out looking a mess.”

Me: “Gramma? Really!?”

Mom: “You may have been too young to remember, but she was just obvious with hers. She would see a shirt she hate and rip it to shreds, then tell grampa, ‘Well Henry, your shirt got effed up in the washer machine. It’s in the garbage now. You’re gonna have to wear that new one the kids bought you.'”

Me: “He must have gotten hip to the game”

Mom: “I’m sure he did, but they were married so long he just went along with it. That’s why you gotta be sneaky. Yall ain’t been married no 50 years, and me either, so we gotta be sneaky. Can’t have them catch up to us. If you’re good though, all those shirts you just hate will be gone in 2 years, maybe less.”

I couldn’t take anymore after that. I had to hang up with her. And of course, when I got off the phone, I saw D wearing one of the shirts I hate to see him in. That shirt is my target. Lemme go see how our supply of Clorox is looking…


10 thoughts on “More Conversations With La Bella Mama

  1. Ive heard this one before!! But yes gurl, you needa gone head and do that cuz you’ll be lookin at him in that hideous shirt for years to come! Train him now…before its too late! lol

  2. I am taking it your man has no idea about your blog? LOL. Your mom is hilarious. I love the story of your grandmother just ripping it to shreds.

  3. The “washer ate your ugly azz shirt” tactic is pretty damn funny.

    We just bought a $1000 Maytag washer – when the Mrs. comes to me with some lame-o story about it eating my clothes, I’ll know what’s up.

    It’d be far easier just to let her pick out my clothes…

  4. ROTFLMAO!!!

    girl hilarious but soooo true!!!!

    hence I buy all his underwear, wifebeaters, undershirts, socks, etc.. cause when the new ones come in.. the old ones *except for those few pairs* gots to go!!!

    hahahaaaaa and I’m fortunate.. all he wears is white or black tees!!! lmao outside of his uniform LOL

  5. This is so funny! I normally choose my boyfriends clothes but there is this one Rick James t-shirt he has that needs to be *clears throat* retired. Thanks for the heads up! lol

  6. AHHHHH I am def gonna keep this in mind, you and Hun are too funny. I keep reading about you guys and I can only imagine the stories that I will have once I live with HIM

    Have a wonderful weekend.

  7. Haha! My sister-in-law tipped me off to this tactic. My fiance has a thing for REALLY ugly shirts. So things happen to them. At first, I tried popping a button off here and there, but he didn’t seem to notice. I had to try something different. So one shirt was stolen right off the clothes line! One had a giant hole chewed in it because someone left it too close to the guinea pig cage, another accidentally had some cleaner spilled on it, turning the entire left sleeve pink and brown and a fourth hasn’t been seen since Christmas. Mysterious!

    Definitely easier to pick out his clothes for him.

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