Please Warn Me…

…if you have a nasty azz house.

I spent a good percentage of my younger days in the hood, so I’m no stranger to roaches and what not (NO, they were not in my house). But damn, just because I have experienced it in my past life, doesn’t mean you can just sneak that on me. You still need to let somebody know before they come into your home that you have roaches so big they pay rent. Seriously.

I dropped my girl off at her place, which she just moved into with her man. She invited me in for a drink, and I made that bad move and assumed that her house was of reasonable cleanliness. I guess I just figured if you invite someone in, that things must be okay inside. Ummm, no. Hell no. Hell to the nawl even.

I walked in the door and it looked like Hurricane What the Fuck and Tropical Depression Holy Shit had just rolled through there. Clothes and shoes everywhere. I saw a plate of something that kind of resembled the remnants of greens and chicken on the arm of the sofa. There was a slight aroma of feet wafting through the air that made me throw up in my mouth a little. I get a little queasy just thinking about it. *shudder*. This girl is so clean and neat with everything else in her life, I can’t believe that she actually moved into this mess, and that she is actually okay with it. I guess love is a sonofabitch, cuz there would have to be lots of it for me to live in that trash.

I wasn’t trying to stay long enough to have a drink because as soon as I cleared off some space to sit on the green sofa (it’s grey now, ewwww) I saw two of the biggest roaches ever do the slow crawl up the wall. Some big behemoth mofos that looked like they were on anabolic steroids or some shit. I was afraid to smoosh them cuz I know they would have just turned around and tried to cuss me out for interrupting their commute home. I couldn’t bring myself to sit down, so I just stood around pretending like I was looking at the art on the wall–which consisted of nothing more than a Scarface poster and one of those “I Have a Dream” MLK, Jr. posters. I looked down at my feet cuz I caught the sight of something moving near my foot, and of course it was a big azz centipede. I ’bout screamed for Jesus then and did the quick one-two step all over that thing.

Her: “Heh heh, sorry I know it’s a lil messy in here right now”

Me: (to myself- “A little messy? Are you looking at the same mess I’m looking at?”) “It’s okay”

Her: “What did you want to drink?”

Me: “I’ll take a bottled water to go. I gotta get to the gym”

I wasn’t about to sit my behind down and indulge. Nah son. I was not trying to have the cast of “Joe’s Apartment” invite me to play Spades with them. From the look in her face, I could tell she understood where I was coming from and tried to laugh it off.

Her: “Ok Tash, I’ll call you on Wednesday to see if you want to do something”

I’m not sure I can do that now. I’mma have to spray her azz with Raid, Black Flag, and Off before she comes near me again. And her man, the original owner of the mess…he’s just denied period. No access to my house, my car, my table at Starbucks. I know a creepy crawly is up in her clothing somewhere, and I will NOT have one of them fall off of her and into my car or my house. I snatched that water and ran the hell out the door. I shook myself off as best I could and then went to the car wash to have my interior vacuumed out. As soon as I got home, I made a beeline for the shower and tossed my clothes in the wash.

I’m still itchy thinking about that hot azz mess. Have yall ever experienced anything like that?? Get at me in the comments

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19 thoughts on “Please Warn Me…

  1. I was strolling through the blogs on blogspot and came to yours. I read a little bit and loved the way you laid stuff down. I love blogs, they give you the ability to be blunt about whatever you want to talk about. God, I love this blog. I will be checking up on you to see what else you have to rant about in your life. he he he.

  2. LOL. I have seen worse. My ex-man, he is Mr. Friendly and promised to go over to a childhood friend’s house. Now I grew up with him and this person so I knew she had some cleaning issues. Well, being the dutiful girlfriend, I went. I mean my man was on leave and I had limited time with him.

    Well, while we were there I saw the craziest thing. An army, yes an ARMY of roaches, passing behind a picture on the wall and coming out the other side. I was floored. They were in line formation. LOL. I never expected that.

    I was so glad to leave and I shook out my clothes and jacket before we got in the car.

  3. Hi! Came through via another blogger I read and I have to say, you’ve got a great blog.

    I’m blown by this post. I’ve never had to deal with someone so messy. I’m sitting here reading and literally itching. My sister has her days of messiness, but never to a point of roaches. That’s just…ewww! I don’t blame you for bouncin. I woulda done the same…and probably would’ve taken a couple showers on top of all that.

  4. Yes, I too have been surrounded by the roach patrol. I dated this guy and he suggested we stopped at his apt. It was NASTY, roaches everywhere. I couldn’t stand it. I bounced and he was ticked off with me. Whateva. Did not date him anymore either. I do not blame you about checking your clothes, car and purse and taking a long shower. That is just too nasty.

    Nikita

  5. “…it looked like Hurricane What the Fuck and Tropical Depression Holy Shit had just rolled through there.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Tasha, you kill me!

  6. Ew. How do people live like that? So damn nasty. Also how are you going to invite people up in your house and have it looking/smelling like shit? Have some shame. Do not invite people into your home if it is not up to snuff. I hate that ish. I will straight up say “it looks like you are not prepared for company, I gotta go.” I will not be living up in your funk with you. Uh uh.

  7. LMAO….LMAO….LMAO…..LMAO
    Girl…my sides hurt–I can’t even comment.
    This is straight H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!!

  8. I knew it had to be her man’s crib that she was moving in once I saw Scarface and MLK,Jr. posters. I’ve seen plenty of roaches at peoples cribs as well…..I didn’t stay long after that either but a damn centipede. hahahahahaha, that is crazy! The only thing that will help their place right now is lots of bleach and raid.

  9. baoivjalshga;fj (that was vomit). so disgusting. i saw a RAT once at a girl’s house. i almost screamed. so f-in nasty.

  10. Girrrrrrrrrrrrrl!!!!! I am on the floor over here! You did not mention Joe’s apartment & spades!!! Haaaa!!!!

    For real though….that was nasty! I can’t believe she invited you in!!

  11. AHAHAHAHAH

    I wish I had seen your face….I tell ya nasty just nasty as my moms would say if your house is dirty then you might as well be dirty too 🙂

  12. OMG! How is she gonna invite folks inside when she KNOW how her man lives! Jeeeeeeeeeez! Ugh! I have not had an experience that bad. I have seen a roach at someones house but it wasn’t like THAT! The place was reasonably clean!

  13. oh my god that sounds so horrible, I’m surprised you stayed long enough to get the water I would’ve threw her the Duece in a heartbeat.

  14. OH MY MUTHAFLIPPIN STARS.. Tasha you got me on da FLO!!!! son you said Hurrican WTF and Tropical Depression Holy Shyt.. I’M SO DONE

    LMAO

    dats nasty as hell.. I got a cousin that lives down here that is like that and on top of that..her nasty triflin ass got the nerve to have 2 cats and 2 kids.. and her kids are just as dirty as the house and she tried to convince her husband she needs a maid and a nanny.. WTF biatch you DON’T work! Please understand!

  15. Oh, man. That’s nasty. That sounds worse than the Lococos, that nasty family from back in Buffalo who were in the news because they were living in their own filth.

    When your house becomes a roach motel, then it’s time to exterminate and/or move out.

  16. you made my day with this post. i can’t stop laughing.

    denial is so horrible. she needs to hire a maid or a HAZMAT crew for that dump or else call it a day.

  17. Heehee -ya, when I was first dating my man his place was always like that. Amazed me he could ever get a girl back to his place but never seemed to have a problem doing so. Needless to say, once we were going out he spent most of his time at my place, often just returning to his room (always just a room, never a full apartment) to get stuff or pay his rent. Luckily, he kept his stuff pretty clean at my place but even when he finally gave up having his own place, we have always had at least one room that was “his” and it always (to this day) is a trash heap! (and we have been together 16 years, married 9 now!) Luckily, in our current house of 7 years, that space is a studio at the back of our detached garage. I have no reason to have to deal with it, it is his space, and if he can live with it, I can ignore it. As long as it is not in my house! Once a year or so he guts it and it stays clean for a month or two. What is it about most guys that they can live that way? And to make it weirder, he doesn’t like a dirty or messy house and is quite capable of keeping the house clean. He does a better job cleaning the kitchen and organizing cupboards and stuff than I do! As long as he has a “dumping ground” somewhere, the rest stays clean!

  18. PS – my one fear is having to clean out that studio should anything ever happen to him! There is no way I could ask anyone to help me with a project like that, I would be mortified if anyone else ever saw it!

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