Sigh

My soul hurts today. I’ve been crying since Saturday and I’ve just finally been able to get myself together enough to go to work. I, like most people, have always dealt with the little voices of doubt and negativity in my head. But this weekend those voices became deafening, and their volume shattered the glass eggshell that covers my soul.

For basically my whole life, I’ve faced and triumphed over a lot of adversity. I never really let myself process a lot of those things, I just stuffed the memory down and kept it moving. But in so doing, the little negative voices moved in. When I was busy in my life, like when I was in school full time and working full time and dancing 6 days a week and still in competitions, I could basically block them out. But when things were calm and less busy, blocking them was not as easy. Somehow I managed to not be knocked down completely and thrown into a life-long chronic depression because of all of that, but I was lucky.

Right now, my life isn’t as busy as it was a few years ago. I’m on summer break from grad school, work is okay, and I have a great drama-free home life with D and my family and friends. So in my quiet days, the negative talk has gotten so loud. And now I have more than enough time and opportunity to really think about the things I’ve gone through and examine the old bruises to my psyche. And let me tell you, they are many. They’ve healed over pretty well, but I got the proverbial beat-down harder than I thought. My self-confidence slipped out of my grasp over the years, slow enough that I didn’t notice it until it was almost gone. When now, I look at myself and I see a broken glass with cracks in it that no one bothered to have fixed.

I finally explained it all to D, and he listened and he cried right along with me. Rather than be shaken by my fragility or scared off by my heaving sobs, he held me and told me that it’s time for me to be healed. But before I can be repaired, I need to give myself a chance to hurt since I’ve never really done that before. So he told me to let myself feel the searing pain that I’ve managed to stuff so far down and cry it out. And it feels good to finally let it all out and stop pretending that I’m not affected. I hid all of that away from most men, because I was afraid they wouldn’t know how to deal with it, but I’m lucky this time.

Sorry if this doesn’t make sense to any of you, but just know that I’m hurting, but I’ll be alright. The fun will be back soon!

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20 thoughts on “Sigh

  1. Girl, if that man aint the one you need to be with, then I dont know who is. That kind of love and support is real and very rare.

    I think those of us that have had to face adversity and, like you, have had to lock it up, for some reason or another, hit that boiling over point. You’ll get through it Im sure because you have the love of your D, your friends and your family.

  2. Sometimes in the silence our pain can be so much louder..it’s hard to be alone with your thoughts..I know what you mean and it’s wonderful that you have him there…he’s right it’s time to heal but you have to deal with in order to do so…

    (((HUGS)))

  3. No it makes perfect sense. There are times when you’ve just gotta let it out so you can move on and forward in life.

    I totally understand.

  4. girl tasha.. keep ya head up.. it’s GOOD that you finally broke down though.. because it could have come at a later time and then caused a lot more issues after you got married.. best thing is D is supportive.. and he got ya back.. YOU GOT A REAL GOOD MAN ON YOUR HANDS AND YOUR BLESSINGS ARE CONTINUING TO FLOW!!!!

    grieve, hurt, cry and vomit.. then come on back after you wipe the snot from your nose cause we will be here for ya!

  5. “I need to give myself a chance to hurt “…that statement is so true. You have to feel it in order to move on.

  6. I’ve had those days and yes it makes total sense. That was my initial reason for starting my blog, it’s been pretty theraputic to get stuff out.

    You’re blessed to have someone like D pick you up as you fall. You’ll get through it, healing takes time, take it one day at a time.

  7. My very wise sister, you do you what you need to do to heal and thank God for D. It’s a tough thing to really deal with what’s been the source of our hurt, frustration and pain, so be glad that you are hitting your zenith now rather than 20 years from now!

    I hope you feel better and always try to smile. Even if you are smiling by yourself and people think you look like a damn fool. lol A smile always makes things better. 🙂

  8. Oh to be broken! One of my favorite Gospel singers, Darwin Hobbs, has a song called “Broken” in it he says…”AFTER You break me, draw me near and HEAL me.”

    If the molded vessel we see in the mirror is a produce of life’s messup’s and mistreats, then it’s better for that vessel to be broken so that something NEW can be formed. I’m glad you’re allowing yourself to break, because behold…the Lord is about to bring you out GOLD. He’s blessed you with a KING who knows how to love his QUEEN, I pray you fully embrace all that’s happening to you…things are being made new.

  9. Hang in there. We all go through, it’s just making you stronger. Let it out, cry, heave, do what you need to to cleanse yourself.

  10. Remember it’s not where you were, or even where you are, but the direction you’re going in that counts most.
    Your facing the pain now means you’re strong enough to do it. You can feel good about that.

  11. You and D stay strong together, Tasha… and if you ever need another shoulder to lean on, you can always call on uncle Gunfighter.

  12. It’s great that you have someone understanding like D to sit there and let you cry. Good luck with your inner struggles. I’m sure you will emerge a stronger person after you face them…

  13. I hope you are feeling better. I think most people have up and down times. I like that more black bloggers(both African and African-American ) are open to disscussing their battles with depression.

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