Thanks everyone for all the kind words over the last few days. I’m thankful for each and every one of you and your comments. They’ve really meant so much. I’m feeling better now, and am getting out of my funk one day at a time, stronger every day.
I have to say though, a lot of you mention that D is a good dude, and I couldn’t agree more. But that got me thinking about this whole good dude concept. There’s been a lot of “talk” around the blogosphere lately about good dudes and the lack thereof and it’s really got me irritated.
I’ll probably get blasted for my opinions, but whatever. It is my damn blog after all. Anyway. More often than not, when I ask women what constitutes a “good man”, they launch into a litany of adjectives something akin to this:
“He’s got to be:
That’s great, but where are the personality traits? What about how he treats you and how he makes you feel? What is he about? What causes does he really support? What are his views about God and spirituality? It’s not enough to just ask does he go to church. How was he raised? Who raised him? Last time I checked, those things were more important than how muscular he is.
Too many times I’ve seen women who basically walk around with a list of adjectives that a man must resemble in order for her to date him. Enter a real good dude who treats her like a queen and does nothing but enhance her life mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. But his adjectives don’t match the ones on her list. He’s automatically crossed off the list and tossed to the curb. He’s put into the category of a “he ain’t shit” man, and she continues going around bitching about how there’s no good men out there. The good ones that might fit 90% of her adjective list pick up on her shallow, negative, judgemental attitude and dismiss her. So those men become “he ain’t shit” men as well–because they don’t want her. God forbid someone not find her to be the best woman going, right. God forbid someone think she have an unattractive attitude.
So finally someone convinces her to go on a date with someone that doesn’t quite match her list of required adjectives. Let’s say he doesn’t have a white-collar job, but is instead a Metro train driver. She likes him okay, but she writes him off as well because he doesn’t manage expense accounts at work. “He can’t do nothin’ for me”, she says, trying to take comfort in her list of must-haves.
But let me tell you, a list of adjectives does not make a man. Rarely will the “one” fit that list perfectly. Yes, please have standards, but be open to the possibiilty. How do I know? Because I was the one with that list. Before I opened myself up to the idea that my good dude may not be a mirror-image of me in terms of career or anything else, I swore that most men “weren’t shit” and that very few “could do anything for me”. But then I changed my thinking because I realized that trying to find a man that matched my adjective list was preventing me from being a good me so I didn’t attract many good dudes to begin with.
My good dude, D, doesn’t really match the list I had in mind. He’s not college-educated; he instead went to the Army after high-school and then off to Afghanistan to fight for my freedom. He doesn’t wear a suit and tie to work; instead he wears a gun, nightstick, handcuffs, and does his job from a police cruiser. He doesn’t have a gold AmEx card; instead he has 2 regular Visa cards and he’s the most financially responsible man I know and manages his well. He doesn’t have a huge house; instead we have a comfy apartment and is preparing to buy a townhouse. He’s nothing that I thought I wanted, but everything that I need and has turned out to be everything that I really want.
My whole point is, before you start writing men off as no good because they don’t fit your perfect little list, take a closer look. The good dude might just be the one you let slip away or the one you’re trying to distance yourself from now. Keep your standards, not a list of adjectives. I promise, good will come.