Only Me

I swear some things can only happen to me. That’s why I love my life so much. Just about everywhere I go is guaranteed embarassment, comedy, or an unfortunate mix of both.

Yesterday, I went to get my spa on to get my mind off of my health debacle. Had a big steamy mug of green tea at home, then off I went. It was my kind of beautiful day–chilly with the sun shining, everything and everyone looking happy. Just lovely. Got to the dayspa just fine, got my robe and got ready for another cup of tea. Umm, forgot the flippy flops that I usually take with me, so I was wearing their “disposables”. Apparently me and thin footie fabric don’t mix. I walked out of the dressing room toward the little tea table and slid into the damn thing. I didn’t knock it down, but I have a big azz bruise on my right hip now to remind me to take small steps when I wear those things. Note to self: bring flippy flops or slippers next time. Do NOT wear the disposables. NO.

All was well, had my tea then settled in for a massage. You know massages are relaxing, right? Like you kind of forget where you are sometimes. I probably shouldn’t even be telling yall this, but we’re all family so it’s okay. Umm, my masseuse lady was workin it out on my lower back. She could tell that I hold all of my tension there, cuz my muscles were basically in knots. Just a damn mess. I was all off in my la la land, listening to the Najee CD she had playing. It was all great. But I got too comfortable, and as she was working back up my spine it just happened. Yall, the gas. It came out. *rumble rumble* and it was loud. Like that record scratch sound you hear on TV when someone does some off the wall shit.
I was ’bout ready to crawl in a hole under the table and die a slow death. I mean a few tears came out and my face turned all kinds of red. I dont blush easily, but my face was on fire!!

I rolled over and tried to explain myself, even though my azz had done enough explaining already. “Umm, the tea. I drank green tea and didn’t eat anything. I’m so sorry. Really. Ohmygod.” The lady just looked at me and laughed. “Sweetie, it happens all the time, lay on your stomach. People get relaxed and all kinds of sounds and smells come out. It’s okay. Relax”

I was still ready to sneak into a cave and hide for a while, but she just went back to doing what she does. The rest of the massage was great. I got a parrafin hand treatment and a facial, then went and did some browsing at the mall. I went and signed up for a pilates class and an advanced adult tap class at a place in Bethesda. I’m not teaching dance this season, and I can’t function without having my tap shoes on for at least a few hours a week, so the tap class will be just the thing I need to help me get through everything 🙂

All in all, it was a great day, but I swear…some stuff really only happens to me. And I’ll never drink green tea before a massage ever again.

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11 thoughts on “Only Me

  1. Haha! I would have just about passed out! But, those crazy things keep us humble. I gotta ask–the journalist in me won’t let me not ask…Was it stink? LMAO You know, sometimes the loud ones aren’t so bad [sometimes], but it’s the silent but deadly ones that can clear a room. Girl, you done pooted on the masseuse! ROFLMAO!!!

  2. Thanks for stopping by. Oh my gosh, what a great post! Isn’t it the truth? And, if you think that’s bad, men who get massages have other problems to contend with.

    You definitely had a professional working on you. WTG!

  3. Oh my gosh! You poor thing. That is SOOOO funny. All in all you had a pretty good day. I SOOO need a spa day. Glad you enjoyed it minus the mishaps.

  4. Waaaaahahahahahahaha!!!!!

    I’m sorry, sweetie, for laughing at your discomfiture… but that was some funny stuff!

    It’s good to see you again.

  5. LMBAO @ this story. I’ve gotten massages at those places in the mall, and my undershirt is forever riding up, and I’m scared my asscrack is going to be exposed to the world. And I’ve accidentally let loose before too. I feel your pain.

  6. I’m late but damn girl did it stink? LMAO you made my friday that is a only me moment. Sounds like you maybe getting a surprise friday. Have a good time LMAO.

  7. I know huh? HOW do you continue to relax after that? But really, it DOES happen all the time, no matter what you eat/drink before hand. A good massage releases gasses and toxins. And they gotta come out somewhere! Doesn’t make it any less embarrassing though does it?

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