Dear Feminine Product Manufacturer,
I am a woman, therefore I’m forced to use your products on a very regular basis. While I am grateful for the availability of these products, there are some issues I’d like to bring to your attention.
Again, I am a woman and typically pink is the “woman’s color”, however the entire aisle containing your products need not be pink. I’m pretty sure the pastel glow of that aisle scares men away, and makes them even less willing to buy these types of products for their wives, girlfriends, sisters, and mamas. It’s already bad that he’s holding a box of Super Maxis with Flexible Wings, but the pink on the box is like Kryptonite to him; it slowly degrades his manhood. So because he won’t buy them, I’m forced to change out of my comfy sweats (that I was wearing because they’re the only things that stretch over my bloated behind) and go to the store to buy them myself. Strike one.
Continuing on about the pastels, who told you that women enjoy having to sort through a million easter egg-colored boxes to get the stuff we need? It must have been a man with a mean streak. There may as well be a disco ball over the aisle because everyone knows when you’re in the light blue, yellow, and pink section that Aunt Flo is lurking. Seriously. And lemme tell you something, when the crimson tide is at high tide, the last M-effin thing I want to see is a sea of pink. Why not make the boxes a nice muted shade of gray? Cuz that’s how we feel. Gray, bloated, and kinda evil. And gray is the color of those comfy sweats we had to change out of to come to the store—remember??
Oh, and your slogans. Your slogans dammit! “Have a happy period”. Must you taunt us like that? Two maxi pads, three tampons, and some Midol don’t make for a good day, and most certainly do not make for a happy period. I know a woman didn’t come up with that. There couldn’t have been a woman on your advertising team either cuz I know she wouldn’t have allowed that kind of fuckery to get past her. The only time my period is happy is when it’s over. Having cramps that feel like my uterus is turning inside out and saluting Satan…that’s not happy. And not knowing if I want to laugh, cry, or commit homicide for three days…that’s not happy either. Strike two.
And if I see another commercial for your products where the women are running around in meadows and valleys, I might have a breakdown. Who are these people? Are they human? Most women I know are lucky to make it to the gym during those days. And we will NOT be running around in a meadow in white pants. Not a good idea. “Ooooh, girl you might want to put this jacket around your waist. Red spots are not a good accessory”. That would be the result of running around like that…with your leaky azz product nonetheless. Steeeeriiikke three, you’re out.
Next time you want to do some market research for your product lines, come find me. I’ll be the one in the sweats, looking rough, with an attitude and a glass of wine.