Dear Guy With The Souped Up Corolla,
You drive a Corolla. It is not a race car, and all the body kits, rims, tints, and stickers in the world will not make it a race car. It looks ridiculous. The spoiler, and the fake dual exhaust pipe (you can see through the second pipe…that’s how we know it’s fake) make your whip look like a clown car. I know you watched “The Fast and the Furious” and were inspired, but don’t use that inspiration on your little sister’s car. I half expected a circus clown to be driving when I pulled up next to you, but alas you were a greased up wannabe with fake Oa.kley shades. Poor baby.
I pay you every month so I can watch my favorite TV. I could have gotten satellite, but I didn’t want to worry about the picture getting jacked up in bad weather. However, I’m beginning to rethink that decision. Why everytime it drizzles, do I have to sit without TV, phone, and internet for at least 10 minutes (yeah, you all conned me into having the 3-in-1 service for at least a year)? Why when I call customer service after 5PM do none of your representatives speak ‘good English’? I know her real name isn’t Suzy. But I can’t complain too much, she did give my movie channels free for 3 months because I gave her so much hell about my service being cut off during a rainstorm.
Dear Bank of Am.er.ica,
Thank you for fixing my account promptly after I caught your error. It was kind of scary seeing that deposit posted as a withdrawal. Ya girl almost had a heart attack, but thanks for being so nice about it and fixing it right away. I guess yall know better than to mess around too much with a black woman’s $$.
Dear Mother Nature,
You alright? All these floods and earthquakes and fires have us all worried. You flooded us out yesterday, but today it’s 75 degrees. And it was still snowing up near MN a few days ago. Girl, I know you haven’t been treated right, but there’s got to be a better way. *hugs*
Dear Neighbor Upstairs,
Stop. Phucking. At. 3 AM. Or at least stop screaming so damn loud. I’m glad you found a man and are getting some on the regular now. Remember how you told me all about not being able to find a man? Yeah, I do too. So I’m happy that you’re happy now, but please have some respect and bring the volume down. You woke me out of a deep sleep 4 times in the last week. Not a good thing.
Dear Neighbor Downstairs,
What the fugg do you cook that smells like that? I thought we solved this already. Stop burning cats and old tires for dinner, son. That shit smells like shit. Don’t make me drop a copy of “Cooking for Dummies” and a pack of incense at your door.
Dearest Co Worker,
Take a fugging shower. That is all.