Price of Admission

My wedding is in about 140 days and have been so busy between planning, work, surgery, and life in general that I haven’t really had a minute to sit down with myself. I’ve finally gotten the chance to do that, and realized I had to admit some stuff to myself.

 

Number one, I’m scared out of my ever loving mind. I’m so happy to have found D and he is like the Gabb.ana to my Do.lce, but I’ve never really seen a healthy marriage in the families closest to me so I feel like I’m diving into deep water with only one swimming lesson. My mother and father’s marriage was a disaster of epic proportions. Sure my mom and step dad are married now, but something is just off. She’s unhappy with herself and that carries over into their marriage. He won’t leave her, but she’s not the person he married and it’s not his fault. My grandparents’ marriage was the closest thing to healthy I’ve ever seen, but they’re not with us anymore so I can’t ask for their advice. D’s parents…well, they’re married but are on different planets—hell, different solar systems really. We’ve done the premarital counseling, and done a lot of talking to our friends that are happily married and to some of our much older friends (the married 50+ years variety). That’s eased my fears, but I’m scared to death of becoming that angry black woman who hates the institution of marriage. But we’re praying about it, and we are determined not to let our families and our childhoods determine how well our marriage will work. I will not go to divorce court with D…I did it as a child, and saw how shitty it really is. I don’t want to go through it again and don’t want to put my (non-existent) children through that.

 

Number two, I’ve never really followed my own heart until now. My mom likes to brag about how she raised me to be a strong woman, but actually she did the opposite. I’ve lived for a long time for her approval and have made a lot of choices just to make her happy. Now that D and I are going about having the wedding that WE want, she’s a little uncomfortable with that and for the first time ever I really don’t care. Believe it or not, that’s a scary thing for me. I’ve never just done things my way before, and while I like it, I sometimes don’t know how to react to her disapproval. *sigh* I’m a grown ass woman and just getting to this point.

 

Number three, I feel like an island most days. Just completely disconnected. A lot of my friends and associates seem like they have “it”. They can just light up a room with their personalities and people just flock to them. Me, sure people come to me sometimes, but I’ve never felt like I’ve had “it” or even how to find “it”. I feel cut off from people and like an afterthought, even if I’m sitting right next to them. Like I have a plexiglass box around me, and people can see me I can see them, but somehow we stay separate. I’ve never felt a part of anything, even when I was in groups giving my all. Never wanted to be one of the “cool kids” so to speak, but at least feel like I’m one of the crowd and included. I struggle with that, but try not to let that show.

 

Number four, I don’t let myself feel emotional pain often enough because when I feel it, I need to vent it. And I know no one will listen. It hurts that my mom is more concerned about her dress than about my wedding or my marriage. But I can’t tell her that. And I’m not allowed to feel that or anything really. So I do my damndest to act like I’m okay all the time. But I feel tore up inside, and the only way for me to vent that is on a computer screen. And typing it is sometimes harder than saying it.

 

It’s hard to admit those things to myself. I’ve tried so hard to stuff those feelings back down into the depths of me so actually giving them voice might be helpful. Now that I’ve admitted those things to myself, and now to the world I guess, I feel like I can pick up the pieces, solve the issues, and go on with my life. Still a work in progress, but admitting everything to myself is the best way to move toward something better I guess. Sigh. All this on a Friday when I’m supposed to be enjoying myself. Well, I guess I can now…Happy Friday

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8 thoughts on “Price of Admission

  1. First off-a big hug going out to you. I often feel the same way you do. I haven’t had a best friend or any really good friends besides my hubby (who has been my best friend since before we were a couple back in 1991!) since I was a kid. Even then, it always seemed I was the one to make the effort. I made the plans, the calls, kept in touch. Any time I have trailed off keeping touch with anyone the relationship has fallen off. I know any sort of relationship is work, but the work always seems one-sided. And I don’t think it is because people don’t like me or anything like that, as long as I maintain contact they are fun to hang out with and quick to accept invites for plans. It just never seems reciprocated.

    Except John. Despite our occassional arguments/bickering, despite the fact that we have different priorities when it comes to housework, projects, etc. (and probably always will!) we have always been each other’s best friend neither of us can imagine life without the other.

    I will even let you in on a secret not many people know. John was always a bit of a player and flirt and without trying has always attracted the girls. He cheated on me several times before we were married and in the first year of marriage. I suspected during that time but didn’t find out until the last incident (I believe and continue to hope it was the last incident!) back in 2000. When I found out it took a lot of time to work through it. But even then, even with that horrible knowledge that it had happened several times throughout our time together and there was a good chance it could happen again, I could not stand the thought of life without him. Part of it was that even though he had cheated, I knew how much he loved me. He had never had an “affair” – each incident had been a one-night stand type thing and each time I knew the girls involved and had seen them throw themselves at him. Oh, I am not excusing his behaviour, but I truly believe he hadn’t gone looking for it. He hated himself for hurting me, did not want to hurt me and I truly believe that to this day. He just was not strong enough to resist when women pulled that crap, especially when drinking (we both used to party a lot and still do occassionally). Bottom line, he was still my best friend, we still loved each other, and despite it, we were still committed and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. If anything, it made us all the stronger surviving such a mega hit to our relationship.

    So I guess my reassurance to you is that if D is your best friend, if you can’t imagine life without him, if you know that he loves you the same way, that you are number one in his life and he is number one in yours, even if there are indiscretions and he occassionally does things that are hurtful, then you are meant to be together and you will have a good marriage. There will be bad times, but if you truly love each other, that love will pull you through the bad. And most of the time, it will be good. He will be that constant in your life. The one who is always there for you and always your best friend. Nothing can match that.

    I wish you all the best!

  2. It’s only been a few years myself where I felt “woman” enough to not care if I had my mom’s stamp of approval regarding everything I did with my life. Granted, it’s still important to me that she be proud of the choices that I make but now I don’t feel the need to do things a certain way just because mama said so or would disapprove.

  3. Tasha, you and D will have a wonderful marriage. Each marriage is different, as long as you have that communication (which you already do).

    I wish you peace and blessings!

  4. Coninue to vent…even in written form because you really never know how you may touch someone going through the same things. A lot of your post could easily have been written by me!

  5. hugs chica!!!! come workoff some of that anxiety!!! You and D will have a happy life.. just RELAX 🙂 and keep doing what ya’ll been doing!

  6. You know what as simple and hard as it sounds…You…will be just FINE!! You’ve gotten this far and honestly God has your back..relax like the others said, continue to follow your heart 🙂

  7. I learned about your blog from Sista Toldja. Very powerful post. It’s hard when you’ve been conditioned to live your life for the approval of others. Trying to break away, be who you are and define your own voice is difficult, but totally worthwhile.

    I think you are making a good start.

  8. Everything will work out beautifully. Others marriages have no bearing on yours. You already know and recognize that it will take work- and it does but it will be well worth it. You will be so very blessed.

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