My wedding is in about 140 days and have been so busy between planning, work, surgery, and life in general that I haven’t really had a minute to sit down with myself. I’ve finally gotten the chance to do that, and realized I had to admit some stuff to myself.
Number one, I’m scared out of my ever loving mind. I’m so happy to have found D and he is like the Gabb.ana to my Do.lce, but I’ve never really seen a healthy marriage in the families closest to me so I feel like I’m diving into deep water with only one swimming lesson. My mother and father’s marriage was a disaster of epic proportions. Sure my mom and step dad are married now, but something is just off. She’s unhappy with herself and that carries over into their marriage. He won’t leave her, but she’s not the person he married and it’s not his fault. My grandparents’ marriage was the closest thing to healthy I’ve ever seen, but they’re not with us anymore so I can’t ask for their advice. D’s parents…well, they’re married but are on different planets—hell, different solar systems really. We’ve done the premarital counseling, and done a lot of talking to our friends that are happily married and to some of our much older friends (the married 50+ years variety). That’s eased my fears, but I’m scared to death of becoming that angry black woman who hates the institution of marriage. But we’re praying about it, and we are determined not to let our families and our childhoods determine how well our marriage will work. I will not go to divorce court with D…I did it as a child, and saw how shitty it really is. I don’t want to go through it again and don’t want to put my (non-existent) children through that.
Number two, I’ve never really followed my own heart until now. My mom likes to brag about how she raised me to be a strong woman, but actually she did the opposite. I’ve lived for a long time for her approval and have made a lot of choices just to make her happy. Now that D and I are going about having the wedding that WE want, she’s a little uncomfortable with that and for the first time ever I really don’t care. Believe it or not, that’s a scary thing for me. I’ve never just done things my way before, and while I like it, I sometimes don’t know how to react to her disapproval. *sigh* I’m a grown ass woman and just getting to this point.
Number three, I feel like an island most days. Just completely disconnected. A lot of my friends and associates seem like they have “it”. They can just light up a room with their personalities and people just flock to them. Me, sure people come to me sometimes, but I’ve never felt like I’ve had “it” or even how to find “it”. I feel cut off from people and like an afterthought, even if I’m sitting right next to them. Like I have a plexiglass box around me, and people can see me I can see them, but somehow we stay separate. I’ve never felt a part of anything, even when I was in groups giving my all. Never wanted to be one of the “cool kids” so to speak, but at least feel like I’m one of the crowd and included. I struggle with that, but try not to let that show.
Number four, I don’t let myself feel emotional pain often enough because when I feel it, I need to vent it. And I know no one will listen. It hurts that my mom is more concerned about her dress than about my wedding or my marriage. But I can’t tell her that. And I’m not allowed to feel that or anything really. So I do my damndest to act like I’m okay all the time. But I feel tore up inside, and the only way for me to vent that is on a computer screen. And typing it is sometimes harder than saying it.
It’s hard to admit those things to myself. I’ve tried so hard to stuff those feelings back down into the depths of me so actually giving them voice might be helpful. Now that I’ve admitted those things to myself, and now to the world I guess, I feel like I can pick up the pieces, solve the issues, and go on with my life. Still a work in progress, but admitting everything to myself is the best way to move toward something better I guess. Sigh. All this on a Friday when I’m supposed to be enjoying myself. Well, I guess I can now…Happy Friday