Hey, I’m alive. I still have to catch up with a post about the funnery of last weekend and some other miscellany I’ve been meaning to get to, but here I am already at Friday once again. But I have some other things on my mind, and they’re getting in the way of my life. Maybe putting pen to paper (or cursor to screen in this case) will help…
So when I passed out on the 8th of this month, I had a TIA–basically a precursor to a mini-stroke. My brain pretty much hit its own reset button and knocked my ass down for a little while. I’m still dealing with the after effects of it all—still a little bit unsteady, sort of shaky motor skills when I get tired, having a harder time focusing, and I still have a slight migraine (currently I’m on day 29 with this migraine…almost a month straight with a non stop headache that no meds can fix, even the rx migraine meds). The doctors say that the TIA and migraines aren’t necessarily related, but both are caused by stress.
And stress, or anxiety to phrase it better has been sitting on me like the world sat on Atlas’ shoulders. And it’s brewing inside of me and it’s got me paralyzed. I need to break free somehow. Even with attempting to put on a front that I’m okay, people keep saying I look BEAT. Even people I’ve never met are asking if I’m okay when they see me. I guess my face doesn’t hide anything. Smiling or not, the mess just shows up on my face. I don’t normally put all my shit out on front street like this, but I’ve got to let it out to someone other than D (God bless his soul for being such a good listener) and the walls. For some reason, I feel like I can’t go to them with my issues. I really feel like I can’t go to ANYONE, save for D. And he’s not a therapist, so I can’t just let it out on him. No one wants to hear where I’m coming from or what’s really going on with me. They just want me to fix their issues or be the comic relief. I barely have it within me right now to shower, let alone be funny. So this is why I’m feeling lost right now (this might get long, sorry)…
My mom retired a short while ago, or so I thought. Really she just stopped working and had no plan. She’s a nurse, but injuries made it hard for her to do clinical work, so she got out of that game and was trying to get in one of the health insurance companies as a nurse case manager—it’s a great way for nurses to still do what they love but without the hustle of the hospital or doctors offices. Anyway, she didn’t find anything right away so she took a temp job at the insurance place. After the contract was up, she tried to get hired permanently there, but no dice. She sent out maybe 4 more resumes, but no dice again. She went on numerous interviews, but no dice. She didn’t seem to realize that her making self-deprecating jokes and smelling like a chimney (she smokes a LOT—like almost 2 packs a day) isn’t a good look in an interview. She does the self-deprecating thing to be funny (even though she’s a DAMN good nurse), not realizing that the interview is the time to sell yourself. So she gave up and stopped working for good. That’s how she retired. She.just.stopped. Mind you she has no savings, and never started a 401K because she didn’t understand it. My stepdad is retired and gets a pension and disability, but it’s really not much. She figured she’d be okay because she had pensions from her former hospital job. Well it turned out to be less per month than what I make in a week, and less than what she was used to making in about 3 days as a nurse. So she’s not okay. Now I have her applying for public assistance and D and I are covering a lot of her bills. My brother (my only whole blood sibling) has a fucked up relationship with her and really wants nothing to do with her, so that leaves me to take care of her. She’s only 59, but dementia is creeping in, so I have to take power of attorney and begin to collect the rent from her apartment (she has a 2 family house that she rents out a portion of), and pay her mortgage with the proceeds and put the remainder in the bank because she won’t enforce the rules of her lease. Her last tenant walked all over her and paid when he felt like it, and I can’t let her go out like that again. It’s hard for me to see her so desperate and so depraved. I’m crying now writing this, I can’t take care of her by myself from 350 miles away and I can’t go back to living there when I’m doing my best to make a life here. I need my brother’s help, but him and I are estranged also—he lives 20 minutes from me and I speak to him once a year—so he may give a word of advice then wash his hands of the situation. My stepdad is 74, so he can only do so much because he’s partially disabled and plus he’s just getting older. I worry about them, and wonder if they eat every day. She’ll find out on Monday about help from social services, until then I’m doing what I can.
On the inside, I just feel like I’m not enough. And I’m ashamed of me. I’ve retreated into myself and now I find it hard to make the effort to go meet new people, deal with the ones I already know, keep commitments, etc etc. BK, that’s part of the reason I haven’t been to your classes (outside of being on the injured list). I’m ashamed of what I look like, how I talk, how I dress, just everything…my self-confidence has eroded to the point of almost nothingness. And it’s no one’s fault. I’m rapidly losing myself. D assures me daily that he loves me, and all of that, but I just don’t feel like enough—not for him, not for myself. I’m literally paralyzed by my fear and feelings of inadequacy. I want to go shopping, but feel like I don’t deserve it because I’ll just look bad in it anyway. I’m hiding from invites from my friends to go out because I know I’ll just be the fat friend tagging along. I feel like people only feel sorry for me because they know I’ve had a rough go at it health wise this year, not like they actually want to be in my company. I watch people having fun and don’t know how to even get back in that game again. I’m always feeling unpretty, and say fuck makeup, why bother when I look like this. I’m so unhappy. I’ve always fought with this problem, but in the last 2 or 3 months—since July or so, the sound of negativity is deafening. I just want to feel like someone other than D gives a damn. I know my family doesn’t, I feel like my friends don’t—I secretly envy the fun and confidence they have, and just sometimes wish I didn’t have to live like this. I want to know what a real friend feels like, not just ones who use me cuz I’m knowledgeable or who are needy and want me to rebuild them until they don’t need me anymore. I struggle to give off the air that I’m okay. But I’m hurting inside and I’m raw.
I want myself back. I want to get this weight off my shoulders. I want to enjoy my life again, cuz I’ve only got this one try at life. I’ve got sooo much goodness around me; blessed with a beautiful place to live, nice cars, a great great great man….but I can’t enjoy it cuz I feel like I don’t deserve it, like I’m not enough. And I feel like I’m raising my mother. It’s too much for me. If I could get myself back, I could be a blessing to the people who need me the most. I don’t know what to do. I’m so anxious about everything, I’m scared about having had a TIA. I’m only 25…I shouldn’t be dealing with this.
It feels better letting out there 100%, so maybe this is a start. God help me.