It’s funny how sometimes you pray for something and you get it, but not the way you hoped for…but it’s exactly the way you need it. For some time now I’ve been praying for improved self-confidence and praying to be taught how to trust Him. I never doubted that those prayers would be answered, but hoped I’d get my answers wrapped up in a pretty little box…like I’d wake up and suddenly the whole world was the way I wanted it to be and I’d be that woman with the unshakeable faith.
Well, I got what I needed but definitely not the way I wanted. Without really getting into the details, there’s some mess going on right now at work and based on how I do in a meeting today I might not have a job at the end of the day. I’ve prepared as well as I can prepare, so now I need to translate my preparedness into confidence and trust in Him that it’ll work out the way it’s supposed to. This is really not the way I wanted to work on feeling better about me…but I know if I go in that meeting and do exactly what I know I’m more than capable of doing, that’ll be a big push in the right direction for me. A lot depends on how confident I appear, so it’s going to be one of those fake it till you make it situations, but sometimes that’s what you gotta do. I faked being a good cook until I actually became a damn good one, so I guess this is no different. I hope. And either way it works out, I have to trust that the outcome is what it’s supposed to be. There goes that faith thing I was struggling with. I can’t worry about what will happen after that meeting, just know that He will take care of me no matter what. If I end up unemployed, so be it. I know He’ll guide me to where I need to go or I might just do what D and I have been talking about and work at my side spot a few hours a week until I have R.N. after my name. No worries.
I finally got some relief for my head. I’m still not right, but doing a little better. I was finally able to get a message from the office manager at my doctor’s office. She’ll be back in town on Monday, but she recommended that I go to Urgent Care, rather than the ER to get some immediate relief. Ummm, okay…thank the stars above D added me to his insurance cuz these copays would be killing me otherwise. Anyway, after going through the random torrential rain/tornado warning to get to the urgent care place, the doctor *gasp* actually listened to my symptoms and looked in my ears, nose, and throat. She said my sinuses look like a wasteland and that’s probably what’s causing my headaches and dizziness. And would explain why I smell smoke all.the.time even though I don’t smoke and no one in my immediate area does. So she gave me some new meds to hold me over till my doc comes back. Finally, a place to start from to look for a better remedy. I’m pissed that it’s taken this long, but at least I’ve got some relief now.
I took the initiative and made some phone calls, and I’ll probably be starting counseling soon. I have a lot of issues coming up from my childhood that need to be resolved now that I’m in a quieter place in my life, and I can’t do that on my own. This chick isn’t ashamed about asking for help. Thank you all again for pushing me and helping me to see that I’m worth enough not just to other people but to myself, and I deserve to be doing better. I can’t even act like I’m 100% right yet, but I’m feeling much much much better. Hopefully this will be the last post like this for a while.