In my head

-Every day, the vision in my head of me in a pediatrics unit doing my nursing thing gets clearer. I don’t know what I’ll do between now and RN graduation, but I know I can’t do this anymore. I wake up with anxiety every day. And yeah, the meeting went well and I kept my job, but the problem is…I don’t know if I really want it. I thought when I graduated from college, I’d be in this career forever. I never thought I’d be the one changing up only 5 years in.

-I’ve been keeping a secret for a very long time now, and I’m getting tired of holding it in. But just thinking about the immediate consequences of me opening my mouth make me sick, even though I know in the end it would probably be fine.

-I bake when I have things on my mind so now my kitchen looks like I hoard pastries as a hobby. D’s coworkers think it’s hot that I bake and send him to work with whatever I’ve made. All of them are commenting about how fat they’re getting. That makes me smile.

-The girl I considered to be my bestest girlfriend for over 18 years dissed me HARD over some jealousy shit. My mom invited her to the lil party they had for us a few weeks back, and she dug up an excuse not to be there. She was there when I picked out my dress, but kept giving some snide ass comments about how unfair it is that I’m younger than her (by a whole 14 months…boo) and getting married. I asked her to be my MOH…excuse. I asked her to at least come to the wedding, she made up an excuse about how she’s never travelled that far alone. It’s 350 miles. Not that serious. Even though more than 4 times in the last year and change she’s called me at 2AM crying about some no good piece of shit dude, asking me to come to her side, and I did. I called out sick to work the next day and drove at 2AM in my pj’s and a hoodie with sleep and mess still in my eyes waaaaay the hell up to bumblefuck where she now lives just cuz she needed me. Boo bitch. Boo.

-Hit up a night spot with my sister from a white mother, and there was none of this “grown and sexy only”, “No tims and hoodies”, “VIP is in the back”, “parking lot pimpin’ with my rented benz and aluminum foil rims”, “$20 cover charge for some ‘free’ watered down drinks” type shit. It was kinda nice.  Just darts and karaoke and the bar. Not necessarily my steez, but a refreshing change from the norm and actually a lot of fun.

-I’m gonna need the ladies at work to stop getting red in the face and giggly when there’s a request for medical records from a law office and that request mentions the phrase “penal code”. Yall, this ain’t 7th grade.

-People keep approaching me about “business opportunities”. You know the type–prepa.id legal and other random pyramid-type ish. I have zero interest in these things. The people approaching me know this…hell, they’re friends and family…but they seem to think their “opportunity” is different. I guess because they’re doing it, that makes it different from the first 4 times it was pitched to me. Seriously, if I could make a mil in six months legally, don’t you think I would have been all over that shit before? “It’s only going to be a half hour. Bring a friend or two”, “Girrrrl, did I tell you I’m starting a business? I’d love to share the opportunity with you”. Please don’t approach me with that until you’ve made some verifible $$, then we can talk. Fail.

-This effed up economy is making house prices around here look very very attractive. People here are still able to get mortgages with good credit and a nice downpayment, so we should be fine. Both of us are feeling the pull of homeownership. I guess it’s that nesting thing. We know we want to start a family in about 3 years and we don’t want to do that until we’re in a house. We’d got started looking about six months ago, but we were unsure about the market. Still not completely sure, but we’ll start looking again after the wedding. But I’mma need my ex to stop trying to sell us a house. Ok so you’re a realtor, but you’re my ex for a reason and that means I.don’t.trust.yo.ass. especially after you tried to get me to “see” you a few weeks back. We’ll find our own realtor thankyouverymuch.

-I’m talking to my father again, and my mom hates it. I feel torn up inside. She raised me in church, but missed the lessons about forgiveness. Only since I’ve been on my own have I learned what forgiveness and prayer truly mean. My father isn’t perfect, but I respect that he at least seems to be trying right now. And that’s all I’m doing right now also, trying.

-My relationship with my mother has gotten toxic. But guilt keeps me from saying too much. She’s given me too much responsibility for holding her up, and I resent it. I hate to have to say that, but it’s true. All I can do is pray, and live my own life the best way I can. She’s sick, so I can’t hate her for the way she is right now.

-D’s mom is in the hospital. She may have had another stroke and may have congestive heart failure. She’s like a mom to me and she’s so important to us. Seeing both of my moms so sick makes me sad.

-I’m very different than how I present myself to people that I’ve never met. And that’s a problem.

-I’m starting to see things for what they are, and the reality isn’t pretty. Maryland drivers really are that bad.

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4 thoughts on “In my head

  1. Can’t believe your “friend” of so many years would turn her back on you over some bullshyt…

    Real friends want nothing more than to see you happy [obviously, she doesn’t fit in THAT category].

    LOL @ the ladies on your job acting like little school girls when they hear the words “penal code”.

    Betchu not nary one of em’ are getting any!

    Wishing both your mom and mom in law a speedy recovery!!

  2. Hello La Bella,

    I have been reading your blog for several months now, I usually just lurk and follow along quietly,but the last few posts have inspired me to come out and share what I have to say.

    First, I can definitely relate to the feeling of having reality smack you in the face, and the sting is usually not pleasant. I also have struggles with my health and self esteem, and my toxic parent is my father. I also think, IMHO, that your friend sounds a lot like a “friend” I had to let go of because her emotional neediness was sucking the life out me. I spent a lot of time making excuses for her unacceptable behavior until a major event made me realize she had to go…

    You strike me as the type of person that wants to help EVERYBODY sometimes even at the expense of your own well-being. We can be tough on the exterior but extremely kind-hearted which can be taken advantage by the wrong type of people.

    I think I may be about 10 years older than you, but please believe it sounds like you have accomplished a great deal in your 20+ years, and you should be very proud.

    I hope I am not coming off as preachy, but don’t beat yourself up over making changes(career or otherwise) that make YOU happy. Life is too short to be miserable. And if you feel your friends behavior (which quite frankly sounds like extreme jealousy) is not to the level of cutting her off, at least limit the time you allow her to spend with you.

    Now more than ever, you need to take care of you, and toxic people, be they friends or family shouldn’t be allowed to steal away the time you need to achieve that.

    It’s hard when it’s a parent, I know, because my own heart is broken that I find the need to distance myself from my only living parent due to his EXTREMELY toxic behavior. I heard this a lot as a child, I don’t remember from whom, “There are just some people you have to love from a distance.”

    I blog and go to therapy to deal with all the issues, past and present going on in my life. I also use a heavy dose of humor to mask the pain.

    If therapy helps for you, I hope that you follow through with it. I used to get teased by my own family about seeking therapy but to paraphrase what you said in a previous post, “This sista is not afraid to ask for help..”

    P.S. this got kinda long for a comment, but email me if you’d like chat further.

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