Moons Over Maryland

Dear across the way neighbor,

You know when you’re on your balcony and I’m on mine we can see each other across the parking lot, right? Did you ever stop to think that I can see in your place when your blinds are open? I know it’s really convenient to have your sliding door go directly from your living room to your balcony. And I also know that when the weather is good, it’s nice to open your door and blinds to let some air and light in.

But we have a problem. At night I don’t suddenly go blind, but you keep your blinds open and your lights on, so I (and anyone else who has a balcony facing that direction) can see in your place. A lot of us do that, you know, just forget to close the blinds after the sun goes down. But most of us are on our computers or are watching TV or something, so it really doesn’t matter if you can see in. Of course you can’t just do what everyone else does, nooooope. Not you Mr. I wear bikini draws and walk around my living room at night with the lights on and the blinds open.

I like to sit out on the balcony in the evenings and read or have a drink and just chill, but you’ve made that difficult for me. The first time I saw you, I’d just happened to look up from my book and there you were standing in the middle of your living room doing what looked like yoga. You were wearing nothing but a pair of dark bikini draws. In those 2 seconds, you made me want to quit life and burn my corneas with a curling iron. I could see the wrinkles and sag from where I was, and I didn’t even look long. As soon as I registered what I saw, I ran back inside. You traumatized me so I didn’t go back out to the balcony for a week.

When I finally went back out, same thing again. Your ass, your bikini draws, your yoga pose. You saw me this time, but all you did was walk out of the living room. Yes, I watched you that time. The last straw came last week. I was outside cleaning up my balcony and watering the plants around dusk and there you were in your living room, except this time you were wearing a towel.

I’m at a loss with you, sir. I don’t want to report you to the property manager, because you have a right to enjoy your space. But just as you have that right, so do I. And enjoying my space doesn’t include looking at your wrinkled ass in a speedo or bikini underwear or whatever the hell that is you wear. “Don’t look” you could say, but I live right across from you and I like sitting on my balcony. I guess I should be thankful that you keep your man-bits covered, but your show really isn’t attractive. I don’t know if you’re doing a mating dance for one of the other across the way neighbors or if you’re just that stupid not to realize that your blinds are wide open, but can we please come to a compromise?

You don’t see me walking around my living room with my tittyballs flapping in the breeze because I have some self-respect and respect for my neighbors, so could you be ever so kind as to have some respect as well? Close your blinds, turn your lights off, or do whatever it is you do during the day. I hate to be so rude, but your shit is a wrinkly ass hot mess and I don’t want to look at it anymore. I really hope we can get this worked out before it gets cold. I’d really like to enjoy the last few weeks of balcony weather.



10 thoughts on “Moons Over Maryland

  1. LMAO @ “In those 2 seconds, you made me want to quit life and burn my corneas with a curling iron”.

    Girl…the description alone makes ME wanna gag so I can only imagine how you must feel having witnessed it up close and personal.

  2. Here’s a question (and I promise, I’m not trying to be smart): Would you be as irritated if it was some hot dude with a rockin’ body? Something tells me you wouldn’t be as upset (but I totally know what you’re talking about). 🙂

  3. Wooo…girl! That gave me my first big belly laugh of the day!!! \

    Reminds me of “Friends” when they had “Naked Guy” across the way from them, always parading around his place completely nude…Thank the heavens he hasn’t assaulted your eyes with that mess!!

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