What exactly are you supposed to say when someone calls you up and tells you, “I’m going to have to get one of my balls cut off.”? If it were D telling me this, I’d be crying tears of massive sorrow, but it was my uncle on the other end of the phone call.
I guess after years of abusing his body with the crakk rocks, my uncle’s body is beginning to fail him. He’s been clean for about 3 years but has developed diabetes and apparently some kind of male anatomy malfunction in that time. He and my mom have gotten close since he cleaned up, and she’s been sort of guiding him through the medical system and using her RN clout to help him bypass some of the healthcare red tape.
Well my mom being the busybody that she’s known to be is forever telling me his gotdamned business. Every time I talk to her she’s got to give me the Uncle E update. “Your uncle is moving up here and will be living with us in your old room. Your uncle has to get a catheter. Your uncle is having some issues with his *ahem* manhood….” So I guess he figures that since she’s been telling me his ish, he may as well skip the middle(wo)man and tell me his ish himself.
He’s a text message fiend. Do you hear me? Fiend! Like 12-year-old-just-got-their-first-cellphone fiend. So he likes to text me at the most unnecessary hours of the day (like 5 muhfuggin 30 A.M.) and let me know his business. “Going to get my scrotum checked today. Uncle E” or “Caught the early train to work cuz I have a dr appt at noon. Uncle E”. I try to be nice cuz I know he’s doing his best to live a clean life and is still adjusting to the new set of friends and circumstances he has so I usually respond with a “that’s great!” or something. But seriously, I’m not checking for him or his scrotum problems like that.
So when he called me last night, I was surprised as I always expect texts from him. His voice was all melancholy, “It’s official. I have to have one of my balls cut off”. I really was stuck for what to say. This is not a position I’m supposed to be in. I’m not supposed to be discussing dyck all willy nilly like that. Especially not with my uncle.
Uncle E: “Did you hear me? I have to have one of my balls cut off so they can remove the infected tissue. How do you feel about that?”
Me: “Ummmm. Ummmmmmmm. That’s really unfortunate. I hope you find some relief soon.” *thinking WTF is this man telling me this for?! I don’t have any feelings about his peen*
Uncle E: “Thanks. I know it’ll be alright. I just thought I’d tell you before your mom had a chance.”
Me: “Yeah, well you know how she can be sometimes”
Uncle E: “Ok, you take care.”
That was the extent of the conversation. Nothing else discussed; just his balls. I didn’t know what else to say. Complete loss for words and comprehension. I’ve asked them both not to involve me in conversations about anyone’s uhh… personal situations, but neither of them have any shame. They really think these types of conversations are normal between family. They need an intervention. Stuff like this is not normal conversation material.
*sigh* What the hell am I supposed to say next time this comes up?