All this time D and I have been talking about starting a family and he seemed so excited, but me…I was kind of *meh* about the whole situation. I like kids and all, but I read SOOO many horror stories on blogs and hear stories in person about people barely having enough time to brush their teeth and shower once the little one(s) is/are born. I’ve seen/heard/read stories of marriages completely falling apart and parents not being able to get away ever and just all kids of mayhem and foolishness. I value my me time and I value my marriage a lot. I know I have to make a lot of adjustments, but I’m not willing to give up basic personal hygiene for the sake of a kid. Just not gonna happen. Not to mention my mother was a labor and delivery nurse so I’ve seen deliveries up close and personal. Seeing that stuff up close made me want to put on a cast iron chastity belt and throw away the key.
D has done his best to calm my fears and let me know that the majority of people keep their sanity and their marriages stay happy as long as they communicate well and stay flexible during a time of such big transition. *Woosah* I guess so, homie. I put on a brave smile and was like “sure, but let’s wait another year or 12 or 25”.
In January, I had some crazy feminine symptoms. Turns out I had a very early miscarriage. I was just a few weeks pregnant and didn’t even know it. I was more upset about it than I expected. I wasn’t completely broken down, but I was really pretty sad. Both of us were.
I got quiet and had one of those moments. I have to believe that it was G-d talking to me through sadness, like using that feeling as a conduit for His voice. I’m not super religious, but I’ll ride with this one. I saw that if I have the capability to love something/someone I’ve never seen and be sad about losing them, then I have what it takes to be a mommy. I know it won’t be easy, I know D and I will have to communicate and stay strong together but a happy household can happen (both of us are from homes that fell apart after the kids came; his parents are still married and mine are remarried to different people).
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not quite ready to jump on the TTC bandwagons and go baby crazy but I know now that when the time is right, it’ll be fine. We’re not worried about trying, we’re not worried about when. We’re just living and enjoying it right now. The pressure is gone and the fear is gone. It looks like our little baby that couldn’t is going to make us into the little parents that could 🙂