$0.02 Advice

*Disclaimer: the person I’m talking about, although they don’t read this blog, gave me permission to talk about the situation. Please do not try to throw virtual rocks at me for putting someone’s business out there. Mmmmkthanks!*

“Tasha, do you think I could be gay?”

Come again, son? What kind of question is that to text to someone at 2 in the afternoon on a weekday? Negraux I’m at work, not on a lanai somewhere dishing out free sex advice. You know Q & A sessions like that require me to have a glass whole damn bottle of wine and some time. Seriously, isn’t that a question only you should know the answer to? Hell, I don’t know what sexual thoughts, hetero-, homo- or otherwise, you have banging around in your brain.

My boy texted me this after he said the girl he’s trying to date told him she thinks he’s gay because he talks about sex and being horny too much and does so with the verbal finesse of a twelve year old–like perhaps he’s covering up something. He also likes to put his hands on his hips and do booty dances wearing gym shorts. To each their own, right? I can understand where she’s coming from to a point, though. Seriously, when was the last time you heard a thirty year old man telling everyone within earshot/FB view that his lust interest boinked and sproinked (his words not mine…I don’t think I’ve said these words since at least 1994) him splendiferosifilously twice last night and that Capricorns make his nipples hard because they have ‘good feet’?

Whatever, though. That’s my boy and his sexual orientation isn’t my problem. My issue comes with the fact that he felt the need to ask me if his actions could be construed as gay and if he should change them just so he can keep getting laid by the girl who wears six inch wedges and how to know if a woman is lying to you about not being interested. He’s also in love with the idea of falling in love again and is on the hunt for a soul mate (newly single man looking for soul mate?? riiiight). I’m apparently one  of his only friends that doesn’t count racing Hot Wheels cars as a hobby and who actually makes any kind of sense.

He is like the poor man’s Swizz Beats right now. He just left his wife of five years back in early May. I’m not even going to go into the alternate universe of crazy that chick lives in, but lets just say two fake suicide attempts later it was time for him to leave. I was genuinely happy for him. Within a week he was asking me to hook him up with one of my friends. That’s all well and good I suppose–get back in the game with gusto–but here in Maryland, you have to stay  separated for some time (I think it’s six months to a year) before your divorce is final. So dude is still legally married, trying to hook up with some chicks and play pimp, and is now worried that his actions may be contstrued as gay by the girl he really likes. I’ve told him to slow down, pump brakes, turn left in 20 ft. but he’s all about redeeming himself for marrying Damien’s twin sister.

Dude has FB stalked a few of my friends and is now dangerously getting close to getting the new chick/s(?) pregnant. I’m not sure what to do in this situation. He keeps asking me for advice on how to get women, but I don’t feel right giving my opinion since after all he is still m.a.r.r.i.e.d. with papers to prove it. I’ve distanced myself, but I also don’t want to watch my boy get shanked by his crazy ass wife for “cheating” on him.

What’s left for me to tell dude? What advice would you give ol’ boy in this situation? I’m confuzzled.


2 thoughts on “$0.02 Advice

  1. Wow! He needs to grow up. If you have to ask if you are gay then there is a problem. Some men are more in tune with their feminine side but this guy is trying too hard. He really needs to chillax and get to know himself for real. Besides like you said, ole wifey might be lurking in the bushes ready to strike.

  2. I’m with Bella on this one…

    If you gotta ask someone else about your sexual orientation then ummm…*side eye* something is TERRIBLY wrong with this picture.

    I know he’s ya boy and all that but if it were me in the situation, I’d tell him not to involve me in his search for a soul mate. At least NOT until the ink is dry on the divorce paperwork.

    Lawd knows you don’t want wifey coming after both of y’all behind some bullshizzle.

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