My thirtieth (3-0, oy) birthday is lurking around the corner, and unlike some people I’m actually looking forward to it. I’m happier, fitter, and more in love than ever. And I’m doing so many of the things I’v’e always wanted to do. However, I went out last weekend and after taking an entire 36 hours to fully recouperate, I finally accepted that I am no longer nineteen. Alas, 19 signs that I’m no longer 19:
1) I yell at teenagers to pick up their feet when they scuffle by in their run-down Uggs. That wouldn’t be so bad, but I sound just.like.my.mama!
2) I have met “bunion” and “corn” and now own the Dr. Scholl’s remedies for both.
3) A late night now means hoping I make it until Conan O’Brien comes on
4) I WANT to get carded when I buy liquor or scratch-off tickets because that means I don’t look my age
5) I don’t mind being called “ma’am” so much anymore. Respect me gotdammit!
6) I commute to work in flat shoes with the intention of changing into heels at work, but end up staying in the flats for comfort’s sake. Fashion be damned.
7) Speaking of shoes, I’ve learned that stilettos are best admired from afar. If they’re on my feet, I’m sitting down. There are standing/walking heels and be cute sitting on a chair heels
8. ) People ask me when D and I will have kids, and they’re no longer being sarcastic, like “awwww, the cute lil kids are married now. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Tasha with the baby carriage”. They are dead.azz serious like, “umm…you know fertility has a time limit, right?”
9 ) I’ve exclaimed some version of, “turn that ratchet azz music down! You kids don’t know what good music is!”
10) Clothing that I own has gone out of and now come back in style. People think I’m being super trendy when I’m wearing something super old.
11) At the end of a hard day at work when I say, “Oh my back! Oh my hip!” I’m not joking
12) I’m starting to become afraid of certain teenagers
13) I don’t understand all the text speak. I need translators to read my niece’s Fac.eb.ook status updates sometimes
14) I owe Sal.lie Mae my soul. (wait, that hasn’t changed since I was 19)
15) I’ve heard little children say, “you and my mommy are the same age”
16) I’m no longer embarassed to go shopping with my mom or her friends like I was as a teenager. I actually want to go with her, especially on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I can use her senior citizen discount
17) I don’t get excited by driving anymore. I’ve had my license for well over a decade. I’m over it. Just get me where I gotta go. And stay to the right if you’re gonna go 55 in a 65 mph zone, please.
18) The only real “snail mail” I get anymore are bills. “Amount Due”, we are not friends.
19) 30 is no longer “Ugggh! OLD!!”, it’s now my (almost) reality, and I intend on being 30 forever. Right now, I’m celebrating several anniversaries of turning 25, but my age will soon end in zero again and I’ll be that age till I join AARP.