Tales From the Underground

Underground subways that is. My life as a commuter, sigh…

I have a really long commute to work every day, so I drive halfway then take the train the other half into the city. So, of course I’m on Metro all.the.time and see stupid people doing stupid ish frequently. Today took the cake for me, though.

 As usual, there was some kind of problem with the rails on the train line I was taking (Red Line for any of you ‘round these parts) so we had all kinds of delays and people packed sardine-style into the few trains that seemed to be running. Ok, fine I guess. Nothing better than some early morning closeness to get my Monday started. At every stop, more people packed up in that joint to the point it felt like people were about to have to start crowd-surfing just to get out when they needed to. Luckily, I got on at the end of the line and was able to stake out a corner and some oxygen. I was hoping to get a seat this morning since I have a bad back and cold weather makes it act up even worse, but I was pleased with my little standing-room corner given the circumstances. I actually had enough space to turn sideways and not breathe someone’s stank azz dragon-flavored morning breath. Yay for small victories!

 Or so I thought. Five or so stops in (I ride for 11 stops), some lady smashes her way into the train with a big, humongous stroller with a little teeny baby inside. Like seriously, this stroller had to be the size of Vietnam. Small armies and several homeless trolls could probably live comfortably in the space that thing took up. Mind you, we’re already squeezed up on top of each other like lepers in a singles bar when she decides it’s the right time to take the train with her little bundle of joy. Morning rush is already a bad time to bring little Junior out for a ride on the subway, but this morning was the worst timing anyone could have.

Anyway, after about 10 minutes and an announcement that we’d be delayed even further, a smell started wafting through the air. The odor was, umm….organic, and extremely unpleasant. Much like rotting garbage and sewer. The faces all around me started crinkling up in disgust and looking around at each other as if to ask, “yo…was that you??!!”. When suddenly we all heard clear as day, “Awwww wittle baby went poopy?? Let’s check you out! Ohhhhh yeah, boobie had a big stinky in his didey!!”

 Really, the baby decided right then was the best time to drop a massive deuce. Most parents would either get off at the next stop so they could take the kid to the bathroom and change him or do their best to make something work till they got where they were going then do a quick-fast diaper change. But of course, not this lady. She decided to pull some type of transformer move with her stroller so the top turned into some crude changing table and proceeded to change the baby’s diaper right there. Baby wipes and powder and putting the dirty, stanky diaper in a little plastic bag and all. Mind you, we are on a VERY crowded, moving train. I’m fairly certain some poor soul caught a full frontal of baby ass and a load of baby poo. Poor soul. Even if you have kids, this is not what you expect to see on your way to work.

 This maneuver caused more of us to be smashed even closer together so she could have some space. I’m all for parents doing what they gotta do, but this mess was ridiculous. I got off a few stops later, thank goodness but I’m afraid what else she may have subjected riders to.

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