Echo…Echo…Echooooo?

Echo? Echo? Can you hear me? Do people still read blogs?

Feels like the grand canyon or your grandma’s musty basement up in here. There’s been so little recent activity on this blog, it kind of looks like my student loan payment history. Kidding, kidding. Sallie Mae, you know you’ve got me twisted like a Keith Sweat cassette single. #salliemaeaintbae For reals though, it’s been a while. *peeks at posting history* Three years to be exact.

I’ve been feeling the need to write again since, you know, I’m such a prolific and thought-provoking writer and all. The truth is, the Book of Faces, the Twitter-verse, and to a lesser extent Instagram just aren’t enough. The sound-bytes and snippets of the minutiae of people’s lives are beginning to clutter my brain. There’s only so many selfies and viral videos of people doing stupid shit that I can take — in one day anyway. Okay okay, lame jokes aside, I’ve been wanting to write lately and even if what I have to say is the equivalent of the $1 store’s clearance bin books, there’s something cathartic about writing. See what I did there? I found a word from one of my vocabulary flashcards I found from when I was studying for the SAT *gasp* 16 or 17 years ago *faints as I check my driver’s license to see that yes, Virginia, I really am that old*.

A lot has happened in my life since I last wrote. Rather than bore with some crap I’m sure no one really wants read, I’ll do a quick fast run down just for posterity’s sake:

-D and I are still married. We still love and like each other. Yay and stuffs. Seven, pushing eight years married, y’all.

-We left Maryland in late 2013 and moved to Upstate NY. My old stomping grounds. A bunch of my high school friends are moving back to start families and for the lower cost of living so we’re not alone.

-Speaking of families, we haven’t spawned. We have a dog named Romeo, a black lab. He’s our baby, so yep, that makes us a family of three.

-D is still in law enforcement — he’s a Deputy Sheriff in a town I won’t name for his protection. After 11 years as a cop at his former agency, it was time to go. He LOVES it. The Northeast lifestyle works for him. He was definitely a fish out of water in the DMV where he’s from. He says I moved down there just to yank him up to NY. *cue “Clueless” voice* As if!

-I have a job in Healthcare Network Operations that I LOVE. Like, dude, I LOVE my job. Words I thought I’d never say. Aaaand I work from home everyday. Win!

-I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus (SLE) in July 2011. I still have it. Remember, that’s with me for life. #rideordielupus (no really, ride.or.die). 

-I was diagnosed with Eosinophilic Esophagitis and Esophageal Achalasia in 2014. Basically I can’t swallow (food, dammit! Get your mind out of the gutter) very well so I can’t/don’t eat a lot. That equals fairly rapid weight loss. Hells yeah! It would be cool, but I was fluffy and I like food. I don’t miss the fluff, but I miss the food. When Taco Bell breakfast sandwiches look like Ruth’s Chris, things have reached critical mass. It’s related to the SLE, but again…I can’t fix it so I just work around it as best I can. Ensure is good as coffee creamer, I’m just sayin’.

-I became an auntie to the cutest little boy ever last year. Cute overload that I can give back to his parents when I’m ready and we don’t have to finance college for.

-We bought a Lamborghini. Just playin’…well, unless you count the Hot Wheels one I have in my office.

-Some other stuff happened too, but I can’t remember what it is. The saying really is true. Once you pass 25, your memory goes.

So yeah, that brings us to today. I may have just fallen back in deep like with blogging. I’m kind of going old school Doogie Howser, M.D. style here with the typed journal (minus that awful monochrome screen) and just writing to document stuff and empty my brain. Because again, I’m way past 25 and I can’t remember things and I can’t be bothered with digging around my Facebook newsfeed for old posts to jog my memory. Plus with all the changes on FB, I can’t deal with the full site most of the time and only use my phone so searching and scrolling get to be too much. Twatter (yes, that’s an intentional misspelling) isn’t enough characters to fully express myself and Insta is…well, it’s Insta and only good for posting pictures of my dog and looking at other people’s ratchet azz photos.

It looks like it may actually be a true welcome back for me. Hopefully this won’t just be a one night stand. It’d better not be, anyway because I changed my WordPress theme and everything. I don’t do that for just anyone.

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My Rock, My Mama G.

“My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am

I owe to my mother”   -George Washington

Growing up, people used to always tell me that I looked like my mother. At the time, I  didn’t see that as a compliment; my mother was forever tired from running around with my brother and I so I refused to see what they saw. She was always an attractive woman, looking younger than her years, but it wasn’t physical beauty that most people were speaking of. Right around my 19th birthday, she had to have a very serious surgery which thankfully she made it through. When she was laying in her hospital bed struggling to get her mental and physical faculties back together, I finally saw it. While I’d seen her at vulnerable points before then, I had never seen her at such a crossroads of vulnerability and strength. I was forced to pause and take a good look at the woman who was responsible for me. In her eyes I saw love and peace, in her skin I saw grace, and in her hands I saw the feminine dogged determination and strength of a nurse. For the first time, I really saw my mother. And I cried. I crumbled, humbled by her strength and awestruck by the fact that she saw what she was going through as a reason to rejoice. At the sight of my tears, she reached to her bedside, picked up a tissue, and wiped my eyes like she had so many times before that. I’d cried in anger because of her punishing me for doing wrong, I’d cried because of puppy love, and I’d cried over the sista girl drama of the day. That one action of her mothering through her pain let me know that I was blessed. She wasn’t always what I wanted, but she was everything I needed.

I got it. That day she went from only being my mother to being my mother and my best friend. I’m so blessed to have her in my life to this day. I find myself sharing my joys, my anger, my sorrow, and even my everyday junk with her and that’s okay. I’m a full grown adult who still calls home just to talk to mommy. 3 AM, noon, no matter. Frazzled nerves? Pissed at the boss? It’s okay. Sometimes only a chat with mommy can fix it. I saw that day in the hospital a woman with faults, with weaknesses, with strength and beauty. I got it.

One of the first things people say when they see my mom and I together is that we look so much alike. “You look just like your mom” is no longer received begrudgingly on my part, but rather with pride. It is my hope to one day truly look like her from the inside out.

Pardon the stream of consciousness rambling of this post; there just aren’t enough words in my vocabulary to describe my feelings about her. She’s my rock, my Mama G. And I’m a damn lucky daughter. I know one day she won’t be here anymore, but my life will have been better for her presence.

I love you, mama. Happy Mother’s Day.

-Your baby girl

Picking Up the Pieces

As usual, I’ve neglected this blog again. However, it’s not really for lack of things to say but because I wasn’t so sure the things I have to say belong on this blog. My lupus has changed the way I look at things, and my perspective really isn’t the same as it was when I first started this blog. I’m not bitching about dating and life isn’t all jokes like it was almost seven years when I started this thing. But I guess that’s the beauty of it all, I’ve got a cyber time capsule that lets me go back and see what was going on at different points in my life.

I’m rambling now (but rambling is part of the title of this blog, right?) so let me get to the point. My life has been scattered for the last two years or so, but I’m trying to put the pieces back together and get back to that part of me that writes for the love of it. Grammar be damned, my little voice needs its own space too.

Life goes on and so do we….

Monday Randoms

-I just couldn’t get it together to blog about Whitney. My heart was just broken. Tore up and all of that. Yeah, I still don’t have the words so I’ll leave it alone.

-My birthday is in two days and I still don’t know what I want to do. I think I want to keep it way low key, especially because it’s on a Wednesday

-Today is my first day in the office since last Tuesday. I have bronchitis and have been laid completely the hell out since then. I’m really not right today, but I guess I should put in at least a half-day of face time.

-My rheumatologist told me that my SLE may have started to affect my lungs. She didn’t give me any advice after that. Word? That’s how you treat patients now?? Needless to say, I’m in the process of switching, but it’s hard to find doctors who know how to treat Lupus properly

-My girlfriend wanted to go dancing (read: prowl for men in DC while wearing shoes of questionable height) but I declined because that was the first time D had been home on a Friday night in 9 weeks. She knows he and I work opposite shifts and barely see each other, but still got completely FONKY with me for “never being available for her”. Never mind there have been several recent instances of her calling me at 2 or 3 AM resulting in me either going to her or listening to her b*tch while I fight sleep. I can’t take needy bishes so yeah, guess I’ll be seein ya homie. Deuces chunked. I let the softie in me almost get suckered.

-I need the Bra.xt.ons to get their weave game together a little bit more. Everytime I watch that show I wonder if maybe, just maybe the weave addiction contributed a bit to Toni’s $ issues back in the day. I hear they spend good money on those wigs/weaves/lacefronts yet they can’t manage to get a real looking one with a decent “skin” part.

-I intended to do the February post a day, but it’s March now. Ooops *whistles and looks down*

-The Girl Sco.ut Cookie hustle is real. They sit out there in front of the grocery store and the gas station and the post office…even the damn doctor’s office now. I’m not sure what they’re teaching the girls these days, but hustling must be high on the list. In the 10 minutes I sat in the car while D got gas, I watched 8 small girls put the heat on like 5 people…all giving up their money in the end. And yeah, they got me too a few days later. When I was a Girl Sco.ut, we went door to door and shyt, hitting up family and friends like you needed a kidney. None of this sit and sell as a group mess. We were out there alone with an order form and a pen. My individual cookie sales record from 1992 for my region still stands. 20 years yall!! *sits down in my rocking chair to tell stories to the kids*

-My google reader is a mess. I have so many to read, but I think I’m just going to hit “Mark all as read” and keep it trucking. Last time I checked, I had like 1142 to read. I dunno. Maybe I’ll ditch the reader all together. I like to visit actual blogs and such.

-It’s about that time for our yearly pilgrimmage to Vegas. At this point, I don’t even care if we get to Vegas; I just need to get away from DC for a little while.

-Like so many others, Pinterest is my crack. It really is every little thing for me at the moment.

Happy 500

When I logged into wordpress the other day, I saw a little congratulations banner but didn’t pay it any attention. Today I paid closer attention and noticed that wordpress was congratulating me on reaching 500 posts. This post is actually 502, but hey who’s counting? Anyway, the number surprised me. I couldn’t believe that I had so many posts. I’ve been blogging on and off for the better part of five and a half years now, so I guess it’s right.

In the years since I started this blog (first on b.lo.gs.po.t and now here), I’ve dated some hellacious characters, met PoliceBoy (aka D), married him, bought a house, had a miscarriage, attempted nursing school, put nursing school down, decided to move on to grad school in a field I love, moved from a job into a bonafide career, and got diagnosed with SLE. I may go back to nursing school one day, but my heart wasn’t in it. I’m having a much better time in grad school now. I’ve shared all of those things with you and truly any one who’s read fairly consistently watched me grow up. Looking back to 2006 compared to now, I’m a completely different human being. I’ve fought off some serious demons related to my self-worth and depression and still fight to this day, but not nearly as hard. I’ve bared my soul, laughed, cried, and got angry as I wrote. Thank you to those of you who read as I shared. Even though I’ve neglected the space as of late, it always carries a special place in my heart for being my cathartic outlet.

So I said all of that to say, I’m going to keep on sharing, laughing, crying, etc. Even if no one were to read this blog anymore, it would still be my lil spot on the interwebs and I’d keep on writing. Yay for 500 and here’s hoping for another 500 (or however many I get to before blogging goes the way of the 8 track).