Dear Guy With The Souped Up Corolla,

 

You drive a Corolla. It is not a race car, and all the body kits, rims, tints, and stickers in the world will not make it a race car. It looks ridiculous. The spoiler, and the fake dual exhaust pipe (you can see through the second pipe…that’s how we know it’s fake) make your whip look like a clown car. I know you watched “The Fast and the Furious” and were inspired, but don’t use that inspiration on your little sister’s car. I half expected a circus clown to be driving when I pulled up next to you, but alas you were a greased up wannabe with fake Oa.kley shades. Poor baby.

 

 

Dear Co.mcast,

 

I pay you every month so I can watch my favorite TV. I could have gotten satellite, but I didn’t want to worry about the picture getting jacked up in bad weather. However, I’m beginning to rethink that decision. Why everytime it drizzles, do I have to sit without TV, phone, and internet for at least 10 minutes (yeah, you all conned me into having the 3-in-1 service for at least a year)? Why when I call customer service after 5PM do none of your representatives speak ‘good English’? I know her real name isn’t Suzy. But I can’t complain too much, she did give my movie channels free for 3 months because I gave her so much hell about my service being cut off during a rainstorm.

 

 

Dear Bank of Am.er.ica,

 

Thank you for fixing my account promptly after I caught your error. It was kind of scary seeing that deposit posted as a withdrawal. Ya girl almost had a heart attack, but thanks for being so nice about it and fixing it right away. I guess yall know better than to mess around too much with a black woman’s $$.

 

 

Dear Mother Nature,

 

You alright? All these floods and earthquakes and fires have us all worried. You flooded us out yesterday, but today it’s 75 degrees. And it was still snowing up near MN a few days ago. Girl, I know you haven’t been treated right, but there’s got to be a better way. *hugs*

 

 

Dear Neighbor Upstairs,

 

Stop. Phucking. At. 3 AM. Or at least stop screaming so damn loud. I’m glad you found a man and are getting some on the regular now. Remember how you told me all about not being able to find a man? Yeah, I do too. So I’m happy that you’re happy now, but please have some respect and bring the volume down. You woke me out of a deep sleep 4 times in the last week. Not a good thing.

 

 

Dear Neighbor Downstairs,

 

What the fugg do you cook that smells like that? I thought we solved this already. Stop burning cats and old tires for dinner, son. That shit smells like shit. Don’t make me drop a copy of “Cooking for Dummies” and a pack of incense at your door.

 

 

 

 

Dearest Co Worker,

 

Take a fugging shower. That is all.

 

 

 

 

Smooches,

Tasha

Happy Friday yall! I need this weekend like white people need flip flops in 50 degree weather (please see stuffwhitepeoplelike.org if you don’t get that). Hope you all have a great weekend and

 

Happy Mothers’ Day to all the mommies!!!

I’m really feeling some kind of way today. My brother and I have never been close (or anything even remotely resembling close), and over the years we’ve been through some ish about him resenting me. I guess he’s never liked the fact that I was born female, or the fact that I was born, period. Mind you he’s the only “whole” sibling I have. He’s mad that I never knew about what he went through as he was growing up and lived my life in oblivion of his struggles. Umm, son…no one told me. If no one tells me, how the hell am I supposed to know? But whatever, I’m not going to go through all of it right now…that’s some mess for a telenovela, and I don’t feel like stirring up the dust of those emotions. I’m sure yall get the idea though.

 

Anyway, he lives all of 25 minutes away from me and we only speak once a year, if that. Christmas and birthday cards get sent, but that’s about it. If I need to address something with him, I email him. So I sent an email asking if he’d heard from our father. Of course he hadn’t, but the emails drifted to the subject of our parents. Basically, he hates them both. He doesn’t really have a relationship with our father (for obvious reasons, if you’ve read some of my older posts), and our mother he just tolerates because she gave him life. He hasn’t been up to see her in about 5 years. He says he refuses to go up there anymore. He’ll call her maybe once a month. He resents the fact that she’s had some issues with her money (he taught her how to budget money after she got a settlement, but some people take more than one lesson), he resents that she was so easy with me growing up (but I went through some HORRIFYING mess that he isn’t fully aware of, so she could only be but so hard on me without me attempting suicide—which I did, but that’s a story for another day), he essentially hates her, and never has anything nice to say about her. He was mad when her and our step dad bought him a car that he didn’t like (completely paid for car—I’ll take it!), so he fucked the engine up and had her go with him to finance a shinier Camry instead.

 

 

He’s got issues. But hell, we all got issues. If I can forgive him for almost killing me the day of our grandfather’s funeral (he said the only reason why he didn’t was because blood is hard to clean off the walls), then he can move on and forgive our mother for whatever she may have done. Hell, she got his azz through college and grad school. Uggh. And because he’s so distant from her, she’s latched onto me with some fierceness, which I’ve written about before too. But I don’t mind so much, because I know that a mother wants a relationship with her children, so she makes up for not having my brother by being extra close to me. * big sigh* Sorry, I digress.

 

One line of his email said, “It’s simpler without mom and dad”. That left me feeling some kind of wrong. I know our father has been a piece of dog ish, so life is better without having a close relationship with him, but you can’t just forget completely about the man. And to say that life is simpler without your own damn mother is just not right. She doesn’t ask him for anything, she just wants a relationship with him. Sure she has ways that make everyone scratch their collective heads, but that’s your mama man. His comments rubbed me all wrong. I don’t know why he’s so quick to dismiss the family, so quick to hide away in his own world, but quick to mention his ‘friends’.

 

A little while after I read that email from him, mom called. Wedding chatter as usual, but then she asked if D had thought about having brother be in the wedding party, or do a reading of some sort. I let her know that I’m not sure if I want him in the wedding or if I want him there period and explained to her that his comments messed me all up, and I’m not sure what role I want him to play in my life anymore. She was really hurt and told me to pray about it. That’s the best thing for me to do, and I have been. I know forgiving him and moving on past his comments is what God wants me to do, and I’m working on it.

 

I would love nothing more than to have a normal family for once. I look at D’s family and my friends’ families sometimes and wonder why that can’t be my family. Yeah, they have their issues, but for just once I’d love to know what it feels like to have a real brother/sister relationship. Or to have family that wants to be around each other or at the very least can do a holiday together. I’m broken up because I want to have my family by my side when I take my vows, but I don’t want to deal with tension so thick one could cut it with a knife. The ‘mommy’ in me just wants everyone to be happy and wants to fix it, but…

 

I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to write after that. Get at me in the comment box if you want.

Ladies, I know it’s almost 85 degrees in the urrrea today and you’re ready to kick off your hot azz sneakers and pumps. But before you put on a flip flop, sandal, or peep toe shoe, please use this:

 

 

Or this:

 

 

Or even this:

 

 

Just be kind to your feet, and to the rest of us and moisturize your situation. Your feet, and the rest of us, will be grateful. 

 

That is all, thank you

 

 

More of the random mess that’s run across my mind:

 

-Where does the old people smell come from? D and I went to an antique furniture store a while back and the whole place smelled geriatric. I know that sounds bad, but almost every elderly person’s home I’ve been in has a distinct smell. Like babies have a smell, so do some people over a certain age, I guess. Old mothballs maybe? I guess that smell permeated the wood of the furniture?

 

-Why is all black music gangsta rap? I was listening to the Ch.ris Br.ow.n CD at work when one of my co-workers came around groaning about how she doesn’t like that gangsta rap music I was listening too and if I could turn the volume down. Mind you I have my own office with a door and keep my music at a level where I can barely hear it sometimes. She did the same thing when I was listening to Yolanda Adams. Seriously, gospel music = gangsta rap now? *le sigh*

 

-Is the car wash really the new spot to pick up ladies? I was in line waiting for a car wash when ol’ greasy cashier guy came up to my car to find out which type of wash I wanted and he said, “Hmm, why aint yo’ man here getting yo’ car washed? Don’t he know that’s man’s work? If I was yo’ man you know your car would stay clean.” Ummmm, sit yo soapy azz down somewhere okay!?

 

-Why are 13 year old girls walking around looking extra-grown lately? I was chatting up some woman in front of me in line at Seph.ora and was horrified to find out she was only 14. No need for her to be looking older than me.

 

-Since the price of food, gas, etc is going up does that mean we’re supposed to increase the pizza guy’s tip?

 

-I stopped getting manicures and pedicures as often and the girl at the nail shop was like, “You shouldn’t do that. At least if you go broke, your nails will look good. I give you a discount today” LMAO

 

-One of my girlfriends who is getting married in a few months came to me 2 weeks ago and asked me, “Tasha, how do you cook? I’ve never had to, so I don’t know how” Oh no.  She’s 31.

 

-I fell off the treadmill at the gym last week, cuz I sneezed and lost balance. I still haven’t got the nerve up to go back. Thank goodness I go late at night though so not many people were there.

 

-My office is on the basement level of the building, so I don’t see the sun all day. I feel like a vampire down here.

 

-I’m officially the “don’t mess with her” lady at our apartment complex. I snapped funky at a few kids in front of my building who were loitering in front and being disrespectful when I asked them to move.  “Gimme your phone, is your mama’s phone number in here? I WILL call her and let her know that you’re acting an azz in front of my home.”

On my way into the office, there was a woman in front of me who was wearing a skirt. She was carrying a pretty big shoulder bag (like a laptop bag or something) and the bag rubbing up against her while she was walking made her skirt ride up on one side. She was walking like she was unaware, and by the time she took a few more steps and turned a corner, her entire entire right azz cheek was showing–pantyhose, floral drawz, sp.an.x and all. I ran up to her and whispered to her about her situation, cuz I know that if it were me I’d want someone to let me know. She got mad at me and told me that I shouldn’t have been looking at her nether regions. I just told her I thought I’d save her the embarrassment. She wrinkled up her face and uttered a barely audible thank you. Ummmm….ok *makes screwface and walks away from that one*

Anyway, I seem to be the resident therapist with all of my friends. They’re always telling me all their business asking for honest feedback. I don’t mind so much, but I can’t stand when people ask for my honest opinion but get mad when my opinion isn’t what they wanted to hear. I got an email from my homie from college. He was mad because his ex-wife wants him to spend more time with his son, but he feels that he shouldn’t have to do that because he pays $ in child support every two weeks. I told him that is the dumbest thing I ever heard, on his part. $ doesn’t equal time and love. He got mad at that and told me he was going to try and sue her for emotional distress. He said spending time with a kid every few weeks is hard on him. But when I mentioned that she spends damn near 24/7 with their son, he got all offended. Bruh, don’t get mad at me cuz I told your fool azz the truth. Another chick I work with asked for my opinion about her dude. He lives with her, doesn’t have a job, she’s paid off nearly $5500 worth of debt for him, but he insists on having an open relationship and will come home at all kinds of hours of the night. I told her that he’s a piece of dog isht and that he’s using her. She got mad and told me that I don’t want to see anyone happy. Well, if paying some trifling man’s debt is what you call happy, then I want no part of it.

Ummmmm….ok, I was really just trying to help you out but whateva. Don’t come to me when he leaves your broke behind cuz you couldn’t afford to pay his bills anymore. *sigh* If you don’t want the truth, don’t ask me.

I know I’m not the only one who went to check their bank account first thing this morning hoping to have my lil xtra from the IRS. But alas, I wasn’t one of the chosen (even though my SSN falls in the range to get paid today). *frown* But I stimulated the economy anyway and bought these:

 

 

 

Me and some girlfriends, the Fab Four as we like to call ourselves, we’re going to an art exhibit that one of our friends is debuting in tonight. I don’t even know the location of the event, but here’s hoping there’s free food and drinks (you can take the girl out of the hood….). Nah really though, it’ll be nice to get away from our usual Friday night chill spot and have an actual girls night out for once. It seems like when we go out there’s always a boyfriend or kid in tow.

 

The rest of the weekend will be spent outside I hope. We’re going to the Caribbean Festival at PGCC on Saturday, and my sister is having a BBQ celebrating my nephew’s high school graduation. I can’t believe that boy is graduating already, it seems like just yesterday he was still in Kindergarten. I guess that means I’m getting old *ahem* I mean they’re getting old. Another one of my nephews is graduating from high school in a few weeks too. This one had the nerve to put gift requests on the party invites though. But not like registering somewhere…I mean this knee-grow actually put a list of stuff he wants, along with where to find them. Example:

 

-Wii, Available at Best Buy, Amazon.com

-iPhone, Available at Cingular, et al

 

He sent his own invites out, and only a few made it out before his mother intercepted and sent more acceptable invites out, without gift requests. She was all embarrassed and mad. Don’t be mad, girl, you raised your son to be greedy like that. Umm hmm, I told you letting that boy get a *slightly used* Lexus truck for his birthday wasn’t smart.

 

Sunday we’re going to see The Color Purple at the Hippodrome in Bmore. I’m not sure what he did, but offering to go to a play must mean it was something bad, LOL.

 

Anyway, hope yall have a great weekend!

 

*Looks around and waves* Hey yall, been a while!

 

I promise this will be the last wedding related post for a while. Cuz dammit, I’m tired of it too!

 

My mother is slowly driving me insane. I know I’ve always spoken about her like she can do no wrong, but she’s got me ready to go into hiding. I can understand how proud she is of her kids, most any mother is, and there’s no reason for her to be any different. However, she’s bordering on the edge of…I don’t even know. Her and my older brother are not close, and she doesn’t really keep in touch with the other (step)siblings, except through my stepdaddy. That leaves me as her crutch so to speak. Weddings are her most favoritest thing in the world, especially after planning her wedding to my stepdaddy 9 years ago. She still cracks out on the wedding shows on TV, and is not above buying bridal magazines just for the hell of it. So as you can imagine, once she found out about my wedding, she started foaming at the mouth like rabid animal (not literally, but you get what I’m saying).

 

She was already calling me three to four times a day just to chat. I had to put her in check about that and let her know that I need space to live as an adult. I love talking to her, but the 3x a day checkup isn’t necessary. Once or even twice is enough. Once a week would be more my steez, but some things I guess you do to make a mama happy. Anyhoo, as soon as D asked her permission to marry me (he was gentlemanly enough to follow my family’s tradition), she started in on the 4+ times a day phone calls.

 

This is the general flow of at least 2 of the daily conversations:

 

Mom: “How’s the wedding planning going?”

Me: “Same as it was 2 hours ago. Mom, I’m at work so I don’t really think about weddings while I’m here”

Mom: “I’m at work too, and I was just looking on the internet for mother of the bride dresses. Maybe me and D’s mom can go shopping for dresses together”

Me: “The wedding is in December, it’s May right now, and you have plenty of time. Why don’t you ask his mom to go shopping next time you come to visit?”

Mom: “*squeals* I can’t waaaait!!!”

 

I wouldn’t mind so much if it was just that. But now she’s telling everyone about my daggone business. Mind you most of the people she’s talking to haven’t seen me since I was about 18. Again I wouldn’t care so much, but she’s given everybody and their mama my phone number and those people keep calling me and asking about whatever my mom told them about.

 

Person I haven’t seen since 1987: “Ohmygoodnesssssssss! You’re getting married!!”

Me: “That’s the word on the street *laughs*”

Person: “So I heard you had diarrhea a week ago. Is it better now? Did your guy rub your stomach?”

Me: “The hell?”

Person: “It sounds funny to hear you curse. I forget sometimes that you’re a grown woman now. Your mom told me you weren’t feeling well and she gave me your number”

 

Ohmydamn yall. That was a real conversation I had. And everyday I get the report from mom dukes about who she told about the wedding. The mailman? The mechanic? I know she’s excited so that doesn’t bother me so much but damn!

 

And last week, when I was sending out our save-the-date cards, she told me who I should and shouldn’t send them to. The save-the-dates obviously indicate that you will get a formal invitation, so I can’t just be sending them out all willy nilly because that would mean I’d have to send inviations to people I don’t necessarily want to invite. Anyway, she was going through her address book tombout, “You don’t have to send her a card, you can just send an announcement, etc”. Ummmmmmmm, I know I don’t have to send her/him/them a card, cuz we won’t be inviting them. She’s wanting this wedding to be run just like hers, and because she has some experience from planning hers in 1999, she swears up and down that her way is the best way. She almost hit the floor when we told her that the wedding will be slightly non-traditional.

 

Mom: *big azz gasp for air* “What do you mean you’re doing it your way!? That’s not how it goes! Remember at MY wedding, we did it this way?”

Me: “Yes, I remember your wedding. I was the maid of honor remember? But this is our wedding. We’re going to be just as married if we do it your way, our way, or the way the wedding books tell us to do it. Please relax, we’ll make sure it’s beautiful”

Mom: “But you don’t know what you’re doing. I did this 9 years ago, I have experience”

Me: *looks at the phone with the WTF face* “Mom. Relax, I promise it will be fine. We got this”

 

She and her girlfriends are also convinced something is wrong with me because I don’t eat, shit, and breathe wedding. I don’t always want to talk about it. Frankly, we are in the hurry up and wait phase since everything is basically planned (we had to do it early because it’s during Christmas party season, so we needed to ensure things were available). Since I don’t have to do a whole lot of planning work for the next 2 months or so, I’m going to enjoy my summer, and they can’t stand it.

 

Them: “Don’t you want to discuss all kinds of inane wedding things all day every day?”

Me: “Umm, no”

Them: *squawk amongst themselves* “Ohmygoodness. Are you okay?”

 

It’s going to be a loooong 7 months.

 

 

Oh, for those of you who asked, here’s our site: http://www.dwightandnatasha.com (it’s not all the way done just yet)

Hey yall, I’m still alive. Been working on wedding stuff (we have a website, I’d publish the url but I don’t want all my info out there like that…if you want to see it, email me or something) and trying to move mountains at work. Uggh, I’ll be back

This whole mess with the economy is really getting crucial. I already couldn’t stand the gas prices, but yesterday I went to fill up my gas tank and paid almost $40, and I drive a Corolla so the tank is on the small side. D drives a Charger, so his gas bill is something entirely different. Yay for being members at BJ’s and getting a small discount on gas there. For real, I’m glad I transferred to the office closer to home, so I only use half a tank in a bad week. If I still had to drive an hour+ to work, I’d be short. And D works overnights, so he doesn’t have to worry about burning gas sitting in traffic, and on days he has to be in court, he takes one of the cruisers so he doesn’t worry about gas. Those are the only things keeping us out of the gas poor house. Seriously, we’d be trimming the wedding down to a ceremony at church, reception at Dunkin Donuts (using the donuts as cake), 4 hour honeymoon 15 minutes up the street in DC.

Our house search is on hold now too. You know things are bad when your real estate agent (who is in the biz for the money and quick sell) tells you to come back in about 5 months because he’s sure that the house prices will drop even more by then. He even said we’ll probably get a better deal on our mortgage because he’s sure that the feds will drop the interest rate. Our mortgage people even told us the same thing. We’ve been told that we may save a half-percentage point (big $ when you’re already paying $$$). Watching what’s going on with Bear Stearns and the rest of Wall St. has got me kinda worried. I’m no millionaire, but I’ve got a few duckets saved up for retirement and when I see companies like that, who handle our investments, go belly up like that it makes me wonder what we need to do to make sure we don’t end up living on dog food when we’re 75 years old. We’re meeting with our financial advisor next week, and yall may want to do the same thing (or at least look over your portfolio. You do have a portfolio, right? Even if it’s nothing but 3 shares of Nike or Target stock, you need something. That’s real talk.)

Outside of the money stuff, I’m getting tired of Hillarack (that’s Hillary and Barack if you missed it). I’m tired of hearing about elections this and that. And most of the people I associate with are getting tired of it as well. We’re at the point where neither party is really saying anything constructive anymore, nor are they discussing the issues. I hear more mudslinging and trading personal insults than I do about what they’re going to do about shoring up Social Security or making sure we can all afford to go to the doctor if need be. I hate to say this, but I see how people can get disinterested and not bother voting. No one is ‘speaking’ to the average people. And who the hell are these people that participate in the surveys that we hear about on the news? Why haven’t I gotten a call from the Quinnipiac people to find out who I support? I’m registered to vote, and always do so. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who has participated in one of those surveys. And I’ve lived or worked in major metro areas and suburban areas alike.

And this mess with Jeremiah Wright just makes me cringe. I was watching one of the morning news shows and they said that the man’s message is so polarizing because “The Black Church experience is so different from what White Protestants and Catholics know.”, so they’ve never been exposed to messages of that nature or that type of vehement anger/passion toward any one establishment. There are so many ways to interpret that statement and I’m not going to go there, but it did make me think about how the Black Church is represented so to speak. Recently D and I were searching for a new church home and in one place a very curious church member asked why our churches tend to be so loud and boisterous like a nightclub. She said she was asking not to be rude, but because that’s the only image she’s seen of how “our” churches are. I started to get offended but I was impressed by her honesty and admitted ignorance/obliviousness. I couldn’t and wouldn’t provide her with an answer, but it made me wonder if everyone thinks the Black Church is nothing more than the Holy Ghost Dance Club. We decided that church wasn’t for us, but we’ve had several discussions about that with our friends and family about the conversation we had with that woman. Just something to make you go hmmm.