RIP Michael…

I can’t take it this week. Ed McMahon dies, the deadliest crash in DC Metro history happened basically down the street, Farrah Fawcett died today and then I got this news and my heart just dropped. Michael Jackson died today. I loved this man with all of my little girl soul. I knew the most useless facts about him and bragged that he shared a birthday with my stepdad.

From humble beginnings at 2300 Jackson Street, to The Jackson 5, to The Jacksons, to Off The Wall, to Thriller, to Bad, to Dangerous, to HIStory, and beyond…I fell in love with him around age 5 and had that unconditional-type love people have for their favorite artist. Hell, in high school I was voted “most likely to marry a Jackson”. I seriously own ALL of his and the Jackson 5/Jacksons songs and have ALL of the Jackson 5 cartoons on VHS. I have ALL of his videos, a lunchbox, and the Billie Jean poster. Yall just don’t know…young (and old) me love love loved some MJ.

I can’t believe when I heard the news I just pulled the car over and said a prayer.

Rest In Peace Michael.

P.S.-I’m choosing to remember the good music and the good aspects of his life at this time. If you have a negative comment, I’m going to ask that you refrain from leaving it right now out of respect for those of us who are deeply saddened.

Happy Daddy’s Day!

I just looked at the date and realized that it’s Juneteenth as well. Happy day, and another reason to cookout!

D and I are headed up to see my fam in NY this weekend and also to wish my stepdaddy a Happy Father’s Day. I’m so lucky that he took on the job that my dad just can’t seem to get right. He’s also done a good job pinch hitting for my mom–she’s not the type to care about emotional well-being, but he is so he’s helped me grow a lot in that area. I haven’t been home for Father’s Day in a while, so it’ll be nice to actually be able to give him a hug on Sunday morning rather than trying to send e-hugs and whatnot.

I hope all you fathers (and moms who have to be fathers at times) enjoy your day and have a great weekend. Hugs to you all!

Sick…The View from the Couch

So I’m home sick for the third day in a row. Who the hell gets the flu in the middle of June?? I guess that’d be me, obviously. But being on the couch all day has given me the chance to get caught up on some TV watching. Comedy all day.

A Maury episode was on where the men were really controlling and the women were meek little mild things trying to assert themselves. Of course they had the guest on who was in a wheelchair, paralyzed by her controlling abusive arse husband and the “motivational speaker” guest who’d been in prison for beating on his woman.

The paralyzed lady showed the girls how hard it is to live as a handicapped person while the man took the boys to jail to try and scare them straight. By the end of the show all the men were sorry and all but one couple stayed together.

Then came an episode with a girl testing 50-11 dudes who may be the father of her kid(s). You are not the father!!! $%^&*( and tears ensue. Run backstage, yell and scream at dude. Same ish different people. But somehow you get drawn to the trainwreck.

Change channels to “The V.iew” watch the women cackle about whatever hot topic was on. Watch them coo over some makeovers or something. Catch Jada Pinkett-Smith on the show. Set DVR to record that new show she’s in.

Change to the news. Daaaaaamn. We’re on some end of days-type path right now. People getting shot up at the museum, white supr.emacists living down the street, finding dead bodies next to an elementary school, another kidnapping, economy gone bad, never ending rain. Catch us on the 6PM news.

Take a nap, wake up in time for Dr. Phil. Seriously? You’re still on TV? Still giving “let’s get real” advice. I guess if that kind of thing works for you. If you like it I love it.

Change the channel to the judge shows. Whhhyy whyyyy oh whyyy does it have to always be Starqueeda with the hard orange weave suing Ray Ray ‘nem over an unpaid cable/cellphone bill or trying to sue Booomquisha cuz she stole her man and wants pain and suffering? Or why is it the crazy azz cat lady suing because someone reported her nasty cat hoarding behind to the police? Or better yet, Becky ‘nem suing the hell out of the whole sorority house cuz someone effed up and didn’t pay their part of the bill for the trip to Cancun. “OMG, don’t you know my dad’s a laywer!!??”

Oooh, Opr.ah is on. All those that eshew Jesus in favor of Lady O, it’s time for church.

Another nap, hey I do have the flu after all.

Yay D made me soup! Yay again, my bestie came to chill for a while! News on again, hilarious warning about not taking Vi.agra off the street. Dude in GA got some that was laced with growth hormone and had to go to the ER to get his hard times adjusted. Crying laughter. D just shaking his head.

Bestie’s on her way home. Turn to one of the celeb-following TV shows. “Ohnoshedidn’t….” “Jen, Brad, Angie….” Me: zzzzzzzzzzzz……..

Wake up in time for late night TV. Laugh and zzzzzzzzz…….

Wake up in the am and start all over again and that’s where I am now. It’s about time for a nap. Sick days are great. *rolling eyes*

Sleep Ninja

So here’s how my afternoon went yesterday…

2 PM and I’m still thinking about how good that sandwich and soup were. Perfect crusty bread, still warm from the oven, the spinach, the provolne cheese…zzz…*snap back awake* Time to focus on the upcoming audit. Move some files around, click on a few screens.

But that lunch was sooo good. The perfect spice in the french onion soup. Mmmm, soup in a bread bowl. Yummmm….zzzz…*commencing food coma in 3, 2, 1….*…zzzzz…..zzzzz*SLAM!*

The sound was sort of like a thud. The last time I jolted awake so hard a tree had fallen on a car a few blocks away. I woke up with a splitting headache, reached up touched my head, and felt a knot forming.

Yeah, so I actually fell asleep so hard that I my head slammed into my desk. Thank goodness no one was near my workstation when it happened, but for the rest of the day I kept getting comments like “Daaaaamn, what happened to your head?”. My boss was in meetings all afternoon, so I managed to avoid having an ‘important discussion’ about my -itis mishap.

Note to self: Don’t eat a heavy lunch at work. Stick to salads and a walk. Sleep is a dangerous summamabitch.

Decisions

I’ve stayed away from blogging for the last week or so not for lack of interest, but because I was wondering if I put too much of myself out there. You know, wondering if I’m too open about my life for such a public forum. I was also wondering if my blog was starting to get too “dark” so to speak.

After my recent posts about my struggles with depression, I got a lot of emails–some disturbing and some not so much. A few were thanking me because they saw themselves in me and decided to try and get some help. For those emails, I’m truly thankful.  A few others were condemming me and explained that no Christian would attempt to take their own life, they’d never have sex before marriage, and a litany of other things that made me in their words “a hideous negress”.

I’m a grown woman so I can handle criticism as it comes (especially in the form of anonymous emails) — after all, that is part of the definition of adulthood, but I did pause for a while. I wondered if I was exposing too much and perhaps opening myself and my family up to something worse than a few raucous anonymous emails. I thought, I discussed with D and my friends, and finally decided to keep on doing what I’m doing. I don’t write about my friends or D without their permission and I’m okay with putting myself out there (to a point).

I truly believe that if anything I write about or go through can help someone or make them happy, then that’s a blessing. Otherwise, it’s my corner of the blogosphere and if you hate it…deuces…if you love it, stay a while. I’m not going anywhere.  My job’s insanity has kept me from posting as frequently as I’d like (and I’m really just too lazy to post from home), but I’m still here. Decision made.

Things I Don’t Understand…

- Why radio stations bleep out the word “se.x” in the Birt.hday Se.x song, but don’t bleep out the word “sexy”

- Why ads for payday loans and car title loans seem to only be on the urban radio/TV stations. I’ve never caught one of those ads on the Top 40 mix or rock station.

- Why the people at the nail shop always look over each other’s shoulders and comment on the work they’re doing

- Why my job seems to be the seventh dimension of the ghetto vortex. No one’s ever wrinkled their nose at me because I don’t have excessive drama until I got to this place. These people demolished two servers going online for Op.rah’s free K.FC coupon which might not be an issue for a big company, but there are only about 60 employees. We are an inter/intranet driven company which means no work got done for about 5 hours until the servers were fixed.

- Why some chicks and men can barely take care of themselves, can’t boil water, can’t keep a decent house, can’t keep a positive checking account balance, or a credit card under the limit but insist on dating only a “good man” or a “good woman” with an ivy league pedigree, a chef’s soul, and an 850 FICO score.

- Why my neighbor puts on 12 pounds of makeup to go running in the 75-80 degree heat, but can’t for the life of her figure out why her skin is jacked the hell up

- Why the people at the oil change place get salty when a girl knows her way around her car. “Naw son, don’t try and run that okie doke on me about a 40,000 mile service or tell me that my air filter is dirty….if you didn’t notice, that air filter you showed me isn’t even from the brand of vehicle I drive”

- Why C.ia.lis and V.ia.gra commercials are on during dinner time, but there are no condom commercials on at that time. And people wonder why we’re still having issues with unwanted pregnancies and debating the morality of “choice”.

- Why I have to go to the “hood” Target/drugstore/etc to find makeup shades for my skin tone. Shouldn’t all the colors be in all the stores?

- Why people put rims on busted up hoopdies. Putting chromed out anything on your 1987 Honda CRX or that IROC-Z doesn’t increase it’s value.

- Why middle schoolers are asking for smartphones. What exactly are they trying to organize?

- Why the GOP never seems to be happy. They’re riding this Sotom.ayor racism thing into the ground. Ru.sh Limba.ugh is trying to rip this woman a new one over one comment she made, but he’s quick to forget that his own mouth has gotten his behind in trouble more than once. Pot, meet kettle.

- Why the shoes I want are never available in my size

- Why there are still crackheads. This stuff has been around for decades, and we’ve all seen first hand people like this:

So why would anyone willingly try that ish?

My Strength

I wrote all about my life over the last few months with surgery and all, but one thing I didn’t write about is how I’d struggled. A while back I wrote about how I’ve struggled with depression for a very long time, but I never really went into how bad it was for me.

At the end of March, I fell into a serious downspiral and felt like I was completely alone. I felt like I wasn’t worth the air I was breathing. I cut everyone off, and was just functioning on autopilot. More than a few times I pictured my funeral and figured that no one would really miss me. I assumed that D would be fine…he’s a good guy and pretty good looking to boot, so I just knew he’d be able to find someone better than me. I kept telling myself that he was only with me because he felt sorry for me, and I had it in my head that he was on the prowl for someone skinnier and better looking than me. I acutally felt sorry for him…how on earth could he get in bed every day with someone who looks like me. I didn’t think I had much going for myself…sure I went to college and was planning on nursing school, but who doesn’t have career plans? My family situation is jacked up at best (somehow I wasn’t seeing D and my inlaws as family;  just people I know), and I was feeling like I had no friends in the world.

All of that noise in my head just kept on getting louder until I couldn’t take it anymore. One morning I dragged myself to the medicine cabinet and swallowed everything I could get my hands on. When D came home from work a while later, he found me on the floor halfway out of my mind and bawling. I figured he’d just let me lay there and maybe call the coroner after I died. I just knew I was going to die. I sincerely wanted to die or at least get as far away from myself as I could. I tried to send a note to him via text message, but the tears blurred the keys.

To my surprise, he got down on the floor with me and made me vomit everything in my stomach. Then he carried me to bed and cried with me and listened to me babble. I fell asleep and he stayed at my side the entire time I was asleep to make sure I didn’t get sicker or need to go to the hospital. When I woke up, I realized that he was the crash mat keeping me from hitting concrete doom at my rock bottom. He called out from work that night just to be with me and make sure I was okay. He arranged for me to meet with a new counselor, because the one I’d been seeing obviously wasn’t what I needed. And he cried with me some more. With no words, only actions, he showed me that he ain’t goin nowhere. No matter how hard I fight it, that man loves me as much as I love him. My whole life I figured if I got married, the man would always be half mine and half some-other-chick’s. Or I’d be stuck with some piece of man. I kept trying to push him away because I thought he was too good for someone as effed up as me. But he’s still here, and everytime I cry he shows me that my tears are his tears.

Now that I’m working with someone better for me, I’m getting into a better place mentally. I see that light at the end of the tunnel and everyday it gets brighter. I finally see that it’s okay to be me and that my upbringing doesn’t define me. I’ve tried so hard to make the people who raised me into something that they never can be. I now see that while I can’t change them, I can accept them and I can also accept the wonderful thing that is my “new” family. Even if it’s just the two of us, we’re a family and we’re happy. Happy is such a new concept to me, I sometimes get scared of it. But I’m learning to accept my blessings for what they are. This is my chance to exhale.

And because I know he’s reading this…

D,

Thank you for being my strength when I didn’t have any left. Ever since you came into my world, first as “police boy” and now as my husband, you’ve exhibited the perfect combination of grace and manhood–I wish more men would follow your example. We’ve grown together and you’ve seen the ugliest parts of my soul and still managed to find beauty in all of me. Thank you for being my best friend even when I couldn’t be a friend to you or myself. Neither one of us is perfect, but it’s obvious that we’re perfect for each other. And even on the off chance that we don’t grow old together, I’ll never be bitter because I’ve gotten the chance to experience such amazing things with you. You encourage me to grow into my own woman and be the best me I can, and for that there aren’t enough words of thanks. I gave you my heart, and while to some it might not be much, it’s the most valuable thing I have. I love you.

Me.

Random Meme

I haven’t done one of these in a long time, so I’ll subject you all…

The rules are the same as in every other meme in blogland. I don’t tag people, so if you want to play along, steal this one and paste on your blog.

1. If your boss says, “I would like to talk to you about  your internet usage” what would your first reaction  be? See what had happened was…ummm. Damn, you caught me. Just don’t cut off access to my blogs, or my paycheck for that matter.

2. If you SO asks you “Does this make me look fat?” how do you answer? D is a man. He’d never ask me that

3. What is one thing that you pay for, but resent  having to do so? Water! Why the hell do I have to pay for water every three months?? Mother Nature makes it rain all the time for free, so why I gotta pay for it?

4. A day is being created in honor of you. How should we celebrate it? Umm, don’t I already have a day? It’s called March 7…my birthday. Give me cake and presents and sing to me. Yup, that’ll do.

5. What CD or Album in your music collection do you secretly enjoy, but would be embarrassed if others heard you grooving to it? Thriller. I ain’t shamed! Oh, but if I was really embarassed to be listening to it, do you really think I’d tell yall that I have it on repeat?

6. How long do you think you would last if you were a contestant on Survivor? *laughs* Like Survivor on an island? Maybe about 2 weeks. But Survivor in the projects/hood? I’d win that bitch.

7. What’s a weapon that you feel suits your personality? I don’t really know, but we have several in the house…bwahahahahaha. Actually, probably a machete. I’ve known how to use one since I was about 5 and I had one made for me a few years ago.

8. Have you ever ended up injured after trying an interesting new sex position? Unfortunately yes and I ended up in the ER and had to get stitches because of it. I might have to share that story one day…

9. If a talking Tasha doll were made, what are THREE phrases it would say? 1. Really? 2. That’s Unfortunate 3. I’m gonna need you to (whatever)

10. What is the last annoying song that got trapped in your head? That gotdamned “Boyfriend #2″. I can’t stand the song, but I swear it’s stuck permanently in my head

Am I Wrong?

Over the years, I’ve learned not to expect a whole lot from my father but yet again he’s got me feeling some kind of way and I’m not sure if I’m wrong for it.

When D and I got married back in December, he’d told me that he was planning on coming. A few days before the wedding, he asked if we could pick him up from the airport a few hours before rehearsal and he also asked if I could find him a more affordable place to stay with his son. I was miffed about how he was handling the preparations for arrival, especially him telling me that he was having surgery the Monday before the wedding but would be coming anyway. There were other reasons as well, but I’m not going to bother going into them. I thought this was selfish…he wanted to make sure to attend the wedding more for himself than for me.

He’d also told D and I that he was going to give us a teller’s check as a wedding gift. The Tuesday before the wedding he told me that his wife had gotten fired from her job again and he needed to cash in the teller’s check so they could take care of things at home and buy food. That would mean he’d be travelling from Florida to DC with about $80 on hand (things were that tight for him). I told him not to travel with such a short amount of money and fresh out of surgery, especially having his 12 year old son with him, but he came regardless.

Anyway, he said that he’d give us another teller’s check when he got his pension at the first of the month. I said whatever…I really couldn’t have cared less about the money. I spoke to him once just after we got back from our honeymoon and he told D how he hoped to get to know him yadda yadda yadda. Well neither of us have heard from him since. He’s sent me forwarded chain letter-type of emails, but hasn’t actually contacted me. My birthday came and went and he never contacted me; never sent me a card. He hasn’t called or written to find out how our new married life is and he hasn’t called to let me know if he’s living, dying, or something in between. I tried emailing  him, but I never got a response. I’d call him, but I’m ALWAYS the one to initiate contact.

I’m not upset that several “first of the months” have gone by and he could have sent us a gift or a card. I really don’t care about a gift or money. What I’m upset by is the fact that he hasn’t attempted to see about me. I’m his only daughter and he’ll go on and on and on about how much he wishes he could have been a better father to me, but when he’s given the opportunity he just doesn’t do what he should.

Now I’m questioning myself as to whether or not I’m wrong for feeling bitter. He’s always getting on me when we do make contact because I don’t call him often enough, but dammit the phone works both ways. I don’t understand why it’s my job to find him. You would think that after this many years I’d just be able to let it go, but something about him knowing that I’m married now and close to getting ready to have kids of my own makes me feel like he should be putting in effort. He says he wants to get to know D, but how can he if he doesn’t try?

D and I sit and talk about our future children a lot and he’s often mentioned wanting to be a great daddy, especially to his little girl. Sometimes I get jealous of our non-existant children because I know they’ll have the family I never had and I know they’ll have their daddy (no matter what might happen with us). I know my daughters won’t have to walk up the aisle alone on their wedding days like I did because they’ll know where their daddy is. They’ll have daddy to cuddle up with when they’re sick. Hell, daddy will actually know when they’re sick–something I only got when my mom got remarried (a million thanks to my stepdaddy–he’s my dad). I could go on and on, but seriously I’m bitter.

Maybe he’s hiding because he thinks I want that teller’s check or some other tangible gift. What he fails to realize is the only wedding gift I wanted from him was him, and not just for the half-hour I actually saw him. I’m bitter. Am I wrong?

My New Addiction

D put me on to some mess that he shouldn’t have. Now I’ll get absolutely nothing done at work because I’ll be effing with the site all day long. He sent me to Television Tunes where you can listen to the theme songs for all of your favorite TV shows, past and present.

Listening to some of those songs reeeally took me back. I remember being glued to “Silver Spoons”, “A Different World”, “The Cosby Show” and “Punky Brewster” (if you didn’t know before, I guess now you have a pretty good idea how old/young I am).  I sat listening last night for a good close to two hours. Now I’ll probably end up on yo.u.tube trying to look for old episodes. Yall know how that can get. There goes a completely productive good day at work.

What TV shows were your favorites growing up?